Dear Case,

My husband and I have just celebrated our 10-year anniversary. We are happily devoted and he is my best friend. For several years, he has occasionally suggested to “mix things up” and introduce another woman into our sex life. I am skeptical of the idea, as of course I am afraid it may change things. Furthermore, I don’t think I can handle the idea of him with another woman, even if (or especially if) it is in my presence. He is never pushy, just asks me to think about it. But after a lot of thought, I doubt I can bring myself to participate. I want to make him happy, but I think we may be playing with fire. What should I do?

     - Three’s a Crowd

Dear Three,

Your uneasy gut reaction of the proposed threesome has already answered the question. This isn’t for you and that’s okay. It is selfless of you to consider this proposition because you want to “make him happy,” but Case suspects that the idea of sharing your husband would make you miserable. Explain to your husband that your relationship is great, as is, and introducing another person makes you anxious. Maybe you can consider or suggest other measures to mix it up, such as role playing, costumes, toys, weekend getaways, etc. As your fears indicate, a three-way may create marital and emotional rifts that you are just not willing to risk in exchange for a fun night to satisfy your husband’s fantasy.

Dear Case,

As a self professed Power Girl, my independence seems to be a big threat to my boyfriend. I feel an undercurrent of anger and resentment and a feeling of “see how YOU like it paying the bills, running the company and changing the tires.” When I say, “I actually love it,” I get even more confusion. I feel like my man can’t understand that I don’t want to replace him, I am just looking for an even partnership. How do I get my guy to meet in the middle?

     - Miss Independent

Dear Miss,

It’s great that you feel comfortable tackling challenges that are not within standard gender roles. Who says garbage, car and yard duties are for men and women have to cook and raise babies? You are making your own professional strides, tackling manual tasks, while remaining self-reliant about your life and financial goals – the modern day wonder woman. Whew! You are hustling, girl and good for you.

Not all men are intimidated by independent women and don’t always look for the batted eyelashes and baby talk pouts of what-will-I-ever-do-without-you neediness. Many men actually find a self-sufficient woman sexy, attracted by her willingness to take on a challenge. It may be that your man is intimidated by your fearlessness, because perhaps he is not as confident. However, unlike other women that may need his leadership, you want his partnership. If he can’t handle your style, reconsider the match. You should never lower yourself to meet your boyfriend’s “little lady” expectations, even if it does feed his ego. Stand up, do your thing and hopefully he reaches to meet the bar that you have set.

I’m not voting for the woman this time. I didn’t vote for the woman the last time or the time before that. I voted for the men. And I couldn’t be prouder.

I live in California where the choices for Governor this autumn are Jerry Brown the Democrat and Meg Whitman the Republican.

She’s a woman. That’s great. She helped start e-bay. I like e-bay. I love me a bargain. But some of Whitman’s ideas are nuts. She attacks her opponent because he: “gave his staff an 8 percent pay raise and let the Legislature increase its own pay by 10 percent…” This cracks me up and smacks of desperation. The implication is that Brown spent all kinds of outrageous money in backroom sweetheart deals.

Whitman’s claim intrigued me so I simply checked the (San Francisco) Bay Area Consumer Price Index for the years Brown was Governor of California: 1975-1983.

Inflation in 1975 was 10.2%. So an eight percent or a ten percent raise does not seem unreasonable. In fact it does not keep up with inflation that year. That figure would look pretty good to those getting it in 1976 when inflation was at 5.4% but the next year it was 7.7%, then 9.4%…8.6%… then in 1980 during the Reagan years inflation shot up 15.2%. 12.9% more in 1981. 1982: 7.5%. In fact the 40 years of data collected by the Association of Bay Area Governments prefaces its 40 years of data with the caveat that “higher inflation rates were common during the 1974-82 period as skyrocketing gasoline prices and extraordinarily high interest rates prevailed.” So whether or not Brown did as accused, hell, the inflation rates of the day surely justified it.

So pretty much anything else Whitman wants to try to tell me is going to be a very hard sell. Why should I trust her??

Now Jerry Brown’s an interesting case himself. An odd duck, to be sure. The monastic lifestyle (as a youth, he actually studied to be a priest…and while Governor eschewed limos and instead commuted to work in a compact Plymouth sedan. He didn’t live in the Governor’s Mansion, either. Rather, he rented an o-k apartment near the Capitol. ). The dating Linda Ronstadt. The attention to the environment. The appointing of more women and minorities to high office than any other chief executive (at least according to his webpage and Wikipedia). What a wacky guy.

Some people still call him Governor Moonbeam. But I’ve found most of them think it chides him as a space cadet. In fact he got the moniker from the late Chicago Tribune columnist Mike Royko (young ladies, he was a big deal in his time). Royko called him Governor Moonbeam because Brown wanted to put a California space satellite in orbit. Nowadays, that sounds like such a pedestrian idea. I mean, who doesn’t have their own space satellite in orbit nowadays? They’re so common that you almost never even hear news coverage when another one is launched, any more. And Royko did later take it back.

Jerry was ahead of his time. Always has been.

I’d probably vote for him no matter who he was facing. But in my mind, this time I’m voting against the other candidate. Meg Whitman. A woman.

Which is why I’m so proud. We have come so far in the past 30 years that I don’t even have to stop and think about the sex of the candidates. I can in good conscience vote for the best person for the job and not feel I’m letting our sex down, if the best person is a man this time.

And you know what? I didn’t vote for Sarah Palin. And I didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton. Even though they would have represented more firsts for women. Because I’m so confident we’re on our way there anyway, and soon. And we can wait for the right one to be first.

by Eris Huemer, M.A. & Clayton Winans

For those of you who are in a relationship with a man, looking for a relationship with a man or even just know some men…there are a few universal things that make them tick. Life will be so much easier if you learn how to handle, manage… Man-ip-ute™ these, ahem, ticks. So how do you do that?

First you have to know what your man wants and needs before you can ever Man-ip-ute™ him. Once you do that, then you can learn to the master the art of Man-ip-ulation™, you can finally get in the relationship that you want and deserve. Clayton, my husband, and I have an upcoming book called “The Man-ip-ulator™ vs. The Wo-man-izer™. Everything you need to know to get the relationship you want.” Hungry for some Man-ip-ulation™ advice? Since I am in such a great mood, I am going to give you a little taste.

These are 10 things EVERY woman needs to know so she can Man-ip-ute™ her man into getting the love she deserves and becoming the ultimate Man-ip-ulator™.

10 Things You Should Know About Men:

1. Men have needs just like you do. What do they need? Respect, praise, interest in what they do,support/encouragement, collaboration, understanding, love, time alone, etc., etc. etc.

2. Men need respect. A woman should appreciate his value and achievements and what he does for her and others. A man is going to find respect somewhere. If his woman doesn’t give it to him then he is going to find it someplace else.

3. Men need praise. Men have low self-esteem. They constantly need to be reminded about how great they are (in life and in bed. Ergo the fake orgasm. Come on girls, you know you’ve done it at least once. And if you haven’t, I highly suggest it). Praise him for all of those things that you respect him for. Appreciate him for what he does. (If you ask him to do the dishes and he doesn’t do them perfectly then appreciate the fact that he actually did them, even if he didn’t do them perfectly. Don’t nag him or tell him that you would have done a better job.)

4. Men need you to be interested in what they do. If you are smart, you will be interested in: sports, his job, whatever. You don’t have to be as into it as he is, just enough to show that you are interested.

5. Men need support/encouragement. Be a good listener and a good communicator. If you support him, he will support you. When he asks you for help, do the things you can to support him. And if you encourage him with his goals and dreams, he will be a better man for it.

6. Men need collaboration. Men don’t want to be told what to do or how to do it. The best thing is manipulate him into thinking that he came up with the idea.

7. Men need understanding. A man needs to be understood. When he takes the time to actually talk to you, just listen. This will give you a great opportunity to retort.

8. Men need love. Yes, that does include sex. But who doesn’t need that? That’s where Man-ip-upation™ really comes in handy. Remember love is more than sex. Love is a look, a touch, a kiss, and stroking his ego. It is being attentive to the other person’s needs.

9. Men need time alone. Encourage him to do what he does to recharge. If you do this, the time you spend with him will be even better. This does not include his addiction to porn, fantasy football and video games. Time alone does have its limits.

10. There really is a lot more that men need. I could go on and on and on. But what you need to know about men first is that they are needy.

Eris Huemer, M.A., is an internationally sought after relationship counselor and coach, author, and speaker who specializes in doing Love Makeovers with singles and couples. Eris is a reoccurring “Love Doctor,” on Ryan Seacrest’s national radio show, the author of “Break-Up Emergency. A Guide to Transform Your Break UP into a Break THROUGH” and “Break UP, Break THROUGH & BEYOND,” and a contributing author in the #1 Amazon Bestseller “Thank God I…Stories of Inspiration of Every Situation”. For anyone who is ready to get over a Break-Up, Divorce or Heartbreak and get into a relationship - they should not miss out on Eris’s Life-Saving Programs! Her website is www.LoveEris.com.

Eris founded her company after she survived her fair share of excruciating break-up after break-up, found a way to heal her broken heart for good, and get to “I Do” with her husband & co-author, Clayton Winans. To buy her books go to www.loveeris.com/shop.php.

There’s nothing worse than preparing for a trip and traveling across an ocean only to find the typical “ugly American” checking into the same hotel or travel tour as you. According to a recent article in Forbes, the ugly American stereotype is “a major headache for executives traveling the globe to build relationships not destroy them.” This image is bad for our economy too. “When teens in 13 countries were recently surveyed on which brands they most recognized, not a single American brand finished in the top three…18% of the general population said that they avoid buying U.S. brands.” Not so shocking when you travel a lot and see it firsthand.

I cringe when I hear a fellow American berating service staff because the food is too spicy or the room is too small. I often wonder how someone can have the imagination and fortitude to discover a new place, yet not have the slightest inclination that it could be different from where they are from.

To me, an “ugly American” is someone who disrespects the local customs and people of the countries they visit. Even worse are those who don’t realize they are embarrassing themselves by their audacious behavior. I’ve often overheard travelers talking to their travel partners how the tour guide doesn’t know what he is talking about or that the local food is not prepared as it should be. You don’t have to be an expert, that’s half the fun of traveling and learning. Forbes adds that a big complaint about American travelers is, “We have a reputation for thinking that we have it figured out and our job is to go into the world and get everyone else to conform.” It’s the expectation that other people in a foreign country should speak English, eat the same food we eat, and do as we would at home. Uh, hello, you’re not in Kansas anymore!

Most countries welcome a visitor who has read up on some of their customs and is willing to put themselves out there by trying to mutter a few words. I started learning Swahili from my driver in Nairobi, and realized that as much fun I was having learning the words, he was having a great time teaching me. He liked that I had respect for the local language and wanted to try. He also thought it was hilarious I wanted to know how to say “sh*t” in Swahili. Turns out, he helped me out with that one because when I heard the word during a game drive from another driver I called him on it – the look of surprise on his face was priceless and we all had a good laugh.

Once when crossing from Spain to Morocco through the Straits of Gibraltar, I noticed some youngsters in the immigration line upon arrival in Morocco. They looked like typical college students on break for the summer backpacking throughout Europe. What I noticed was a small flag patch sewn on to all of their backpacks. It was red and white with a red maple leaf on it. Yes, they were clearly Canadians. This got me thinking…did they not want to be mistaken for Americans? I will admit there are some foreigners who definitely labor under the misconception that we are all loud, greedy and rude. Still, my American pride was a little bruised and I kept hearing my wounded inner voice saying, “what’s wrong with Americans?”

The best was when I was in the Masai Mara on safari and a group of 40 travelers from Atlanta stopped off for breakfast at my tented camp. They were not staying, but their tour company arranged for their breakfast to be served by our dining room. After my early morning game drive I headed to the main lodge to grab some breakfast, yet there was no food to be found. The 30-ft buffet tables usually packed with eggs, waffles, pancakes, breakfast meats, cheeses, vegetables, fried potatoes and fresh baked breads and muffins were empty. The visiting group was packing their plates 5-inches high with food. Not only were they carrying several plates each, they were pointing and barking at the chefs to hurry up and give them more food. The poor cooks and servers were running around in a frenzy trying to make more food, as well as find more rations to cook. I could see the sweat pouring down the servers’ faces and genuine worry about having to make me wait for my simple egg-white omelet. I assured them not all Americas eat this way, and it would be ok. What the group did not realize was their gorging was embarrassing to not only themselves, but to others as well. Not to mention, when you’re in the bush it’s not like you can run down the street to the grocery store to pick up some eggs. They have to ship everything in by plane or trucks. I’m sure for the others staying at my camp who were not Americans, the idea of the ugly American was deeply reinforced that day.

The bottom line is it all comes down to respect. I’ve met many Americans overseas who are thoughtful, open and genuinely excited about experiencing a new place. It only takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch so please don’t be the ugly American when you travel. Expect the unexpected, put forth a little effort and keep our American reputation intact.

Here are a few tips that Forbes magazine addresses due to the complaints on traveling Americans:

1. Speak softly – Americans are considered as too loud.
2. Listen – foreigners think we talk too much and not enough shutting up to listen and learn.
3. Don’t comment negatively and openly on their culture.
4. In many countries boasting is seen as rude, especially in business. Try not to brag.
5. Be interested in their culture and ask. Don’t assume they are obsessed with American football or our movies and culture.
6. Learn some word from their language. It’s always good to help you get around anywhere or when you need something from someone who doesn’t speak English. Sign language doesn’t always close the gap on communicating.
7. Check out proper clothing attire before you go there – you don’t want to disrespect a country by not packing correctly.
8. Don’t lecture the locals – about their government, about their businesses, about their traditions. Try to see things from their point of view.

Adler’s home decorating book is called “My Prescription for Anti-Depressive Living” and it delivers. He’s all about using colors and décor that surprises and puts a smile on your face.

This is a man who started out as a potter and with his iconic interpretations, changed this art medium from dreary to dynamic. Now he has branched out into furniture, tapestry, design, and yes…still wonderful pottery. He calls his book “a therapeutic intervention designed to rescue you from whatever decorating disease you are struggling with.” In this world of IKEA and Pottery Barn look alike abodes, it’s about time.

He takes chapters entitled “Minimalism is a Bummer”, “Go Stark Raving Mod”, “Liberate Your Inner Hippie” and “Colors Can’t Clash”, and marries them with glorious spreads of vibrantly decorated rooms. Your brain will soon buzz with ideas for you own pad.

A friend gave me my first piece of Adler pottery and I was smitten. Soon after he gave me this book signed by the master himself. Immediately I began letting it influence my decorating choices. Bolder and more daring, my place soon became the home I never imagined it could be. Happy and unexpected, not just another shabby chic vanilla villa. Thanks to Mr. Adler, I now have lush, hot pink sheets paired with a butter and white duvet, brightly colored velvet striped pillows in my office and a baby blue and tan leopard print rug. He encourages you to let out your inner wild child that intuitively knows how you want to live – a little glitz, a little elegance and a lot of flair.

Let’s see what else Jonathan has to say about taking us out of the “seriousness” of “adulthood”:

1. Mix and match with panache. Don’t be tentative with patterns…If you keep your color scheme restrained, you can approach patterns with wild abandon. When in doubt, repeat, repeat, repeat.

2. Orange! The poppiest color is the answer to most decorating conundrums. Paint your hat stand orange, buy an orange plastic Artemide table lamp (www.artemide.us)… Lacquer your front door orange. Your front door announces who you are, and it’s an important detail that most people forget about. Pique your neighbors’ curiosity. “Safety Orange” spray paint from Krylon is the perfect color.

3. Ebonize your floors. Pale wood floors are a drag. And parquet wood floors are even worse. Stain your floors a dark color and watch everything in the room come to life. [Then] name your house after and English country estate - Balmoral Arms, Sandringham, Blenheim - and have the name imprinted on matchbooks, napkins and staionary (www.sun-rise.com). This is an especially good idea if you live in a studio apartment or a suburm of Buffalo.

4. Lemon Yellow is the essence of crispness and should not be overlooked. One lemon yellow pillow will invigorate you more than a million cucumber masks.

5. Hide a riot of color under the covers. You can be restrained and buttoned up in the bedroom and still wild between the sheets. I love sheets with big, bold florals, preppy bamboo patterns and jaunty stripes hidden underneath tame coverlets.

6. Whomp it up with wallpaper…sometimes paint just isn’t enough for a room , and patterns can add a little pizzazz…and don’t ignore you ceilings – wallpaper overhead adds an unexpected layer and changes a boring old ceiling from an eyesore into an eye-catcher.

7. Accessorize with aplomb. Most people stop decorating too soon. Once you have the walls and floors and furniture in place, it’s the finishing touches that can really take a room from ordinaire to extraordinaire: collections of favorite objects, art on the walls (or the doors or the banister of your staircase), over-the-top drapery and window treatments or giant chandeliers hung above it all. (Chandeliers should always be a little bit bigger than you imagines, a little bit glitzier than you’re comfortable with…the more over-the-top the better…with large, oversize bulbs in them.) These are the details that take you from like to love, from complacency to ecstasy.

8. Kitsch: discriminate but don’t dismiss. In general I don’t like kitsch. Pink flamingoes on the front lawn? Thanks, but no thanks. But I do like kitsch when it’s married to craft, when it’s idiosyncratic and beautifully made. I live to hunt for amusing pieces and inevitably it’s the things in questionable taste - inappropriate, vulgar, or a little kooky – that makes a room memorable. Diana Vreeland once said, “A little bad taste is like a nice splash of paprika. No taste is what I’m against.”

9. Do it salon-style. Hanging art might seem intimidating, but it is actually quite simple. Be intuitive – hang a large picture first and then just keep on going. One principal I like to follow is to ignore the content of the art and think of the pictures as geometric forms that need to be composted nicely.

10. Rearrange your furniture. There’s never one single answer for a furniture layout, so keep playing and keep trying new things. A new arrangement can be an instant facelift for your house and make everything seem fresh. Plus, it burns lots of calories.

But my favorite advice from Mr. Adler is to “live out your delusions of grandeur…when you were little, you probably imagined that someday you would live in a grand manner: a castle, a mansion, an elegant duplex at the very least. Now you’ve settled for moderate surroundings, practical solutions, and compromise. How utterly realistic and dreary! Why shouldn’t you be grand in your own home?” Why indeed?!

“Make your home as luxe as your wildest imaginings allow…” 

You can buy “My Prescription for Anti-Depressive Living” at all Jonathan Adler boutiques, at jonathanadler.com  or online at Amazon.com.

Check out this video as Jonathan Adler redecorates a room:

A Skin Care Solution

“As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense.”
     - Jonathan Swift

In today’s day and age the word whore doesn’t really mean a lot to me. In my circle of friends it’s just a funny thing we call each other when we’re mocking caricatures of the women, badly written by men, in movies or TV. And though I don’t really blush often (I am pretty shameless) I find it cute and charming when someone does. I’ve always had a secret desire to be one of those fair skinned, innocent schoolteacher-type looking girls that men seem to die over and throw engagement rings at. While I realize that the scenario I have just detailed is a crazy exaggeration and the level of self deprecation is nothing short of ridiculous, I do love my column to have drama!! Sue me, I want to entertain you while informing.

Okay, okay, back to the real world. I do have friends and clients who not only sweetly blush when embarrassed but they turn beet red when they are hot, cold, drink coffee, alcohol or just anytime.

It is called Rosacea and along with redness, skin tends to become bumpy and have a dry/rough texture as well. There is no cure for it and the cause is unknown but there are many lines that have products that address it. Some contain sulfur, which while effective, can dry the skin and doesn’t seem to reverse the condition.

The best new product for treating not only the redness but the breakouts and texture of the skin as well, is a new line by Dr. Stuart Kaplan, famed Beverly Hills dermatologist, called Kaplan MD. The philosophy of the line is to treat not only the skin based on damage done by the environment and aging, but hormones as well. Each product in the line has 10 active ingredients per product to address all three causes of aging for the skin: environmental, chronological and hormones. This line is already known and used by a huge clientele of celebrities for being revolutionary in anti-aging.

Though the line makes no specific claim to cure rosacea, I gave it to a client of mine who had it and had her keep a journal for me. She said by day two she saw a noticeable calming of the redness of her skin. By day four her rosacea looked non-existent, and by day fifteen she exclaimed “My skin was so soft and dewy that for the first time in years I left the house without foundation. I’ve gotten so many compliments on how great my skin looks!”

Yay, more drama in my column! I love a good skincare success story. It has been a few months now and I am happy to report that my client is still thrilled with her Kaplan MD skincare, and though I don’t know if she is a whore or a virtuous woman (actually I do know but I never tell), no one else need ever know anything about her based on her skin. Except she is healthy, radiant and beautiful.

And never forget it is always better to be remembered as pretty on the outside. I will do my best to help. Have a flawless day weBEgirls readers!

For more on the Kaplan MD check out the website or to purchase a great deal on a Kaplan MD set, selected Neiman Marcus stores carry it or you can purchase on the web at b-glowing.com for $325.00. The set includes:

1. Cleansing Lotion (6.0 oz) – a purifying cleanser that gently lifts away makeup, dead skinn cells and other impurities. Ingredients such as soy, panthenol, apple extract and hawthorn flower moisturize skin from within and calm and soothe. (MSRP $55)
2. Revitalizing Toner (5.0 oz)- this clarifies and revives skin without disturbing the skins natural moisture balance. It also contains eight essential amino acids and vitamins to help restore skin tissues –dramatically softening and smoothing the skin. (MSRP $40)
3. Day Cream SPF 15 (1.7 oz) – with an SPF 15, this day cream is a hydrating, lightweight anti-wrinkle moisturizer and sun protectant all in one. Collagen mocrospheres plump up the skin and help minimize the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles while extracts stimulate cell renewal. (MSRP $125)
4. Replenishing Night Cream (1.7 oz) - this rich cream replenished critical moisture and fortifies thinning skin while promoting cell regeneration with botanical extracts and a rich blend of vitamins A, C &E. (MSRP $145)

Check out Kaplan’s Perfecting Serum and Intensive Eye Cream too. My rosacea client used the entire line.

Mitzi Druss is a television, film and print makeup artist with 18 years of experience. She has worked on Oprah Winfrey Network, The View, Chelsea Lately as well as multiple makeover shows both on and off camera. For more information about Mitzi Druss including celebrity clientele please visit her website at www.mitzidruss.com.

Dear John,

I am no longer attracted to my boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong he is a good looking guy, but I just don’t want to be physical with him anymore. What’s wrong with me? Is this a phase? What do I do?

Sincerely,

     -Will the spark come back?

Dear Lost Your Spark,

First off, there’s nothing “wrong” with you. You’re not the first person to have the attraction to their partner ebb a bit. It’s natural to have periods where you’re not as attracted to your partner.

Men are born in the mood, but women need to be put in the mood. Step one is examining where you’re at and more importantly why. Environmental factors are often big inhibitors. Are you stressed at work? The economy got you down? Maybe you’re super burnt out and stressed? (And these days, who isn’t?) If any of these apply to you, that doesn’t generally lend itself to making with the sexy time. If that’s the problem, then you’d want to look into ways of feeling more sexual, maybe getting yourself some sexy lingerie or a massage. Weekend getaways can do wonders as well.

But what if it’s not you? Many men regard life as a series of destinations. Meaning, in this case, a guy can think “I got the girl, I can stop trying” and basically he stops doing the things that got him the girl (and got him laid by her). Then he wonders what happened. This can accelerate the end of the honeymoon phase, and if he’s leaving his clothes all over or whining, complaining or just plain taking you for granted you’re just not going to be looking for some “boom boom” time with him.

Once you get a feel for why you’re not “feeling it” anymore, then you can determine a course of action. This may require you sitting down with your boyfriend and having a heart to heart. This may require spending some “you” time with a therapist. But whatever you do, don’t fret. Yes, you can get the spark back, but it won’t just magically reappear, just like it didn’t magically disappear. It will take a little work, but it can come back if you let it.

But what if you don’t want it to come back? Maybe the relationship has run its course. Not every relationship is going to last forever. That’s a whole other column so I will simply end this by saying see if you want to get the mojo back and then go from there.

Dear John,

My boyfriend and I have very different outlooks on money management. He tends to spend frivolously while I tend to be very frugal. I know that money issues tend to be the main reason relationships end. How can we get on the same page with our finances?

Sincerely,

     - Frugal and Worried

Dear FAW,

Relax. Money is the main reason that relationships end but that doesn’t mean yours is going to. And you and your man may never be 100% on the same page regarding money, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come to some kind of understanding on the subject.

First off, make sure that his money issues don’t become your money issues. Don’t co-sign any loans and don’t have a shared credit card. If he goes on a spender (my new term for a spending bender) and it’s on a joint credit card, you’re on the hook. So step one is to make sure you are 100% financially independent from him and that there’s nothing he can do to torpedo your credit and savings. If you do have a shared bank account, make sure you only put in enough for your share of that month’s expenses. Make sure you salary and any other income goes into a private account that he doesn’t have access too. Make sure your credit cards are only in your name as well and that he can’t get to your $$$ under any circumstances.

Second, sit down and have a heart to heart talk about money with him and be blunt. Tell him about the issue, how and why it’s important to you and make it clear that his money problems are not going to be your problems. Tell him what you want from him and the changes you’re looking for him to make. Be prepared to negotiate. You’re not going to get everything you want out of the deal, but you should walk away feeling like you’ve gotten most of what you wanted out of this and that your partner is committed to change. If he’s not willing to negotiate, making changes or come to some kind of understanding (or he says he will but his actions tell another story), then cut the cord and walk away.

Seem harsh? I don’t think so. If being frugal is important to you and your partner spends like a drunken sailor, it’s not going to work. It would be no different that if you wanted kids and he didn’t. There’s a huge fundamental difference there that really can’t be resolved. The best thing, if that’s the case is to move on and find someone who is more in sync with you.

Want more from John? Follow him on Twitter, or check out his blog.

And remember to “like” us on Facebook!

Something is seriously wrong with the way people get paid in this country.

And the perfect example of that just came from the Institute for Policy Studies (IPS). It’s a liberal group, to be sure, out with its 17th annual survey of executive pay. This time it looks at how many backs were stepped on as these guys… and almost all of them are guys… laid off more people than anyone else in the country (public employees not included).

IPS looked at the 50 companies with the largest layoffs, and, at the salaries of their Chief Executive Officers in 2009. Tops on the list with 75,733 layoffs between November 1, 2008 and April 1, 2010 was General Motors. All those people unemployed; their families and communities devastated. And this one guy, Frederick Henderson, still pulled in total compensation of $5,445,000.00 in 2009. He resigned December 1 of that year. So for 11 months’ work he pulled in an average total compensation of $495,000.00 per month. Now let’s just say the guy is on the clock every second of every day. He’d have been making $685.60 an hour whether he was awake or asleep or getting a shave or laying off 75,733 people.

Henderson’s hardly the highest earner. No, on the IPS list of the “50 Top Great Recession Layoff Leaders” is Fred Hassan at pharmaceuticals company Schering-Plough. Well, he used to be there, making $49,653,063 dollars – read that again – nearly $50-million in 2009 –but he resigned on November 3 of that year as Schering-Plough merged with Merck. So $33 million of that was a golden parachute. Merck’s CEO Richard Clark was only making $11,892,903, but he took over. Between them, the companies laid off 16,000 workers as Hassan and Clark –two people — made a combined $61,545,966. And what kind of generous severance did those 16,000 workers get? Honestly I don’t know. I’m quite sure not one of them got a $33 million kiss-off. Oh and how much did your last prescription cost you, by the way?

Not every name on the list was making money hand over fist in 2009. According to the IPS research, Citigroup CEO Vikram Pandit had total compensation in 2009 of only $128,751. Still, he agreed in February of that year to accept only $1 in annual salary until the company returns to profitability. The year before, he made $38.2 million. And between November 08 and April of this year Citigroup laid off 52,175 people.

Back to the woman thing I mentioned up top. Of the “50 …Layoff Leaders” singled out by the IPS, 49 are men. The penultimate is Andrea Jung of Avon Products who made $7,091,871 as her company laid off 3,242 workers.

Me, I’ve been battling for month to not lose more bits and pieces of my paycheck. I make a living. It used to be a nice living. But I never have cracked the six-figure ceiling. The company I work for has been chipping away at what it actually pays me, for years. This time its strong-arms are demanding what could amount to be six percent net cuts for a whole lot of people. I haven’t had a raise since January 2009. I know…waa waah, times are tough… but not for the head guy at this company. While demanding we give back money, his total compensation doubled last year. According to the IPS study, back in the 1970s, CEOs of major corporations made over 30 times what their workers did. In 2009, the study estimates that CEOs averaged 263 times the average compensation of American workers ($32,049). The top guy at my company made 432 times more than I did.

Something’s definitely wrong with the way people are paid in this country.

You’ve got a handful of guys running multi-billion dollar corporations and paying themselves tens of millions of dollars. And no one below them is willing to question the extravagance because they also are riding the gravy train. But, paid enough money and compliments, most people will turn a blind eye to some things they know are not right. And when their salary is into the mid six figures, for a lot of people that starts to be enough money.

Still I ask myself over and over: how much money is enough? Did Hassan and Clark at Schering-Plough and Merck really merit making nearly 62 million dollars in one year? What for? Driving up drug prices? Stock prices? The unemployment rate?

I’ve always subscribed to the notion I once heard expressed (I’m sorry, I don’t remember by whom) that the highest paid workers ought to be garbage collectors and teachers. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate pharmaceutical companies or begrudge them a reasonable profit. Many of their products meet unbearable, pre-existing needs and can even be a godsend. But plenty of others treat symptoms no one ever realized they had, before seeing their purported cure advertised everywhere. For the stewardship of a company that made that possible, is $50 million enough? Is $5 million too much?

If you enjoy getting pissed off you might want to read the report in full, for all the details of alleged shady dealings by the corporations that were paying big bucks to the big cheese while putting all those people out of work. The study’s bottom line: these 50 CEOS put 531,363 people out of work while collecting $598,856,381. And these CEOs made on average 142% of the average compensation of S&P 500.

The report can be accessed at: http://www.ips-dc.org/

Some dreams are best left forgotten, but someday my dream will happen. Won’t it?

Patty Leidy is a cartoonist currently living in Denver. Read her almost daily updated blog for fun updates, archived comic strips, odd/humorous ramblings, food reviews, diatribes, and worshipful clips of her current music obsessions. She is still waiting for George Clooney to stop harassing her. (”NO George, I can’t see you anymore!”) Go to www.pattyleidy.blogspot.com…

An Illustrated Guide to What We Girls are Thinking

Bad news, women. Just when we thought we’d perfected the feminine mystique, suddenly The Man comes along and cracks our code. And when I say “The Man,” I mean, of course, “match.com.” Now that our secret is out, it’s up to us girls to clarify to the world just what match.com is talking about.

Notice I say “us girls.” That’s right. As a concerned and scrupulous journalist committed to giving you the Whole Story, I feel it is my duty to give you not just my perspective, but a variety of perspectives on The Issues (except when everyone else’s perspectives suck). So today, to illustrate, I’ve enlisted the help of my colleague and fellow female, Aubrey.

                                       (Aubrey)                       (And me so you can tell us apart)

Together we will demonstrate the finer points of the female subconscious, as disclosed in the recent match.com article “5 Ways To Tell if She’s Into You,” by Chelsea Kaplan. The upshot of this piece is that, on the dating scene, we females will demonstrate that we’re into you via a heavily veiled code of intricate physical subtext. At first, this was news to me, but then I figured this was probably my own personal bias getting in the way. I am not a fan of subtext. I hail from the Bichon Frisé School of Communication, named for the little dog who once lavished effusions of passion on my leg at PetSmart. In interpersonal dealings, this is the level of subtlety I am generally comfortable with.

However, I’m willing to believe that other girls could be more adept than I at subtext (the Bichon Frisé was probably more adept than I at subtext). So sit back and relax as Aubrey and I blow the lid off the female aura, that mysterious enigma of enigmatic mystery. Here are match.com’s revelations, and our illustrated guide to accompany them.

“Let’s be honest,” Kaplan begins, “Sometimes it’s tough to tell if your date’s being nice or if she’s really into you.”

We agree. Observe:

                                          Being Nice                            Really Into You

See what we mean? You couldn’t tell if you tried! It’s like that old feature from Highlights magazine where the object was to search for all the minute differences between two otherwise identical cartoons, thus helping you, the pliable child reader, to develop the critical visuospatial skill of realizing you don’t actually give a shit. But Aubrey and I digress.

Kaplan derives her article from the book I Can Read You Like A Book: How To Spot the Messages and Emotions People Are Really Sending With Their Body Language, by Greg Hartley, a former Army Special Forces Interrogator. Here are Hartley’s top five telltale signs your date is into you:

 She Tilts Her Head

Hartley says that when a woman feels comfortable with a man, she will tilt her head. Therefore, men, take this stance as a sure indicator that she is comfortable with you, or possibly that she is trying to dislodge a gob of ear wax the size of Durham, North Carolina. But hey, it probably means she’s into you!

 She Takes a Sip When You Take a Sip

According to Hartley, a woman will show interest in a man by instinctively mirroring his actions. We suppose this makes enough sense, but at the same time, it’s disturbing, since – not that we wish to engage in gender stereotyping here, but – these are men we’re talking about. Therefore God only knows what kind of “actions” we powerless women pawns could find ourselves mirroring. We could launch into full-throttle, ten-finger, nether-region-scratching and never think anything of it.

 She Twirls Her Hair

“Since the beginning of time,” Kaplan explains, “a woman’s hair has been celebrated as the symbol of her beauty and power.” It’s an act of seduction, men! Either that or she habitually twirls her hair! Or possibly she has nits! Once again, you get to choose!

 She Gets a Glow

“When a woman is attracted to someone, blood flows to her face, causing her cheeks to get redder…And if your date is smitten…her lips and even eyelids will get fuller, too.” Because nothing says sexified like a puffy, blood-bloated face, not to mention those take-me-now disfigured lips and, of course, those bedroom eyelids. And finally:

 Her Pupils Dilate

According to Hartley: “When a woman is attracted to a man, her pupils will dilate…Essentially, the body does this in order to allow itself to take in more of a good thing.” An alternative explanation comes from eHow.com: “Pupil dilation is a common response to being poisoned by different kinds of plants and chemical poisons…Many toxic chemicals such as chloroform and jet fuel will cause pupil dilation if accidentally ingested.” So, either your lady wants to jump your bones, or she’s been hitting the jet fuel a little too hard (leading nutritionists recommend ingesting no more than 17 mg per day).

You see, ladies? We were just that easy to figure out! Good thing Aubrey and I were here to put a face on the Woman Reaction for everyone. Otherwise, I mean, I shudder to think.

The article also says the five ways you can tell we females are NOT into you. These include crossing our arms, placing our bag between us and you, and speaking at warp speed. Aubrey and I believe all of these have their merits, but with all due respect to Greg Hartley, former Army Special Forces Investigator, we frankly think he left out a lot of other “negative indicators.” Like barfing all over the romantic candlelight dinner, or trying to stuff the shrimp cocktail in our ears, or yelling waa-waa-waa to drown you out. Or bringing our furry pink hand puppet on the date.

I love this product. I happened upon it just by chance one day. Stopping at a beauty boutique where I wanted to buy some Mistral soaps for a friend I was having lunch with, I looked down at my chipped nails and grabbed these wipes.

To my immediate dismay, I realized in the car they weren’t those little packets with nail polish remover inside. I was out of luck on the chipped polish and thought to return them, but didn’t have time. When I got home, I gave them a try. I love happy mistakes - these little wipes are amazing. Usually, when I use a tissue, especially if I’m wearing dark shades, it takes oodles of nail polish remover to get the job done. The remover seems to evaporate on my tissues. These wipes wipes are the most absorbant wipes ever. Just completely saturate the wipe and it takes only one for each hand. They’re also 100% lint free. How many times has the lint from a cotton swipe or tissue been hanging off the brush of your nail polish or your newly polished nail, threatening to ruin your perfect manicure? Won’t happen with these.   

They come 150-200-365 wipes per box and will last you quite a long time. They’re available at most retailers and beauty suppliers that sell Opi products. You may think, depending on the retailer, that they are a bit pricey, but they’re worth it. Amazon also has the 200 count box on sale for $2.65 (list price $7.00). That’s a good deal.

The average man speaks 2,000 words a day. The average woman speaks 20,000 words a day. Discrepancy, anyone? Fact is that women talk way more than men and they tend to wind up asking questions that men dread. But which ones do men fear the most? I asked a few guys to find out.

“I hate it when she asks ‘What are you thinking?’ She always asks me that right after we’ve done it and she can’t seem to understand that I’m not thinking anything at that moment.”
-Dan, 23

“Personally, this never is an issue for me. I just refuse to answer any questions by changing the subject abruptly to shoes. Works every time.”
-Tony, 33

“’What are you thinking about?’ Or when she says: ‘Let’s go do something fun’ and I say ‘Like what?’ And she always replies: ‘I don’t know, something fun.’”
-Tyler, 19

“I hate it when my wife asks questions that should be statements. If I’m wearing an outfit she can’t stand for whatever reason, she won’t just say ‘You look stupid in that. Change.’ She’ll say, ‘You sure you want to wear that?’ Dear God, that drives me insane.”
-Roger, 41

“Personally, I don’t want to hear any questions from my woman. You don’t want your woman thinking, you want her feeling. You want her to feel like she’s loved, cherished, etc. If she’s been thinking it’s usually never good.”
-Matt, 29

“I don’t want to hear any questions post coitus. What is it with that ‘penny for your thought?’ crap after we’ve been going at it like teenagers?  Just leave me alone and let me enjoy the afterglow.”
-Paul, 26

“’Who’s that girl?’ ‘Why don’t you change?’ ‘Are you really thinking about sex all the time?’ She asks me these questions all the time, and I can’t figure out why. Either I don’t answer and she gets pissed, or I do answer and she REALLY gets pissed. Why does she even bother asking?”
-Jon, 47

“I just refuse to answer any questions. There’s no way to win. If she asks me what I’m thinking about, my response is always ‘How much I love you’ or ‘How hot you look.’ She knows I’m lying, but at least I’m telling her what she wants to hear. Then she leaves me alone.”
-Steve, 35

“I hate appearance based questions like ‘How do I look?’ or ‘Does this make me look fat?’ The correct answer is: ‘You look hot.’ Anything else will get you castrated. Found that out the hard way.”
-Eric, 25

The truth is, women like to talk way more than men. I could go days without talking, and many times I have spent entire evenings hanging out with guy friends where few if any words were spoken. The fact that women talk more bugs guys to no end. As much as we’d like you to save the deep conversations and chit chat for your girlfriend and gay friends, we know that’s not realistic. Truth be told, we really would rather that if you have to ask questions be related to things we want, like “Why haven’t you been getting drunk with your friends lately?” or “When was the last time we got his & hers lap dances?” or “Which one of my friends would you like us to have a three way with?” Not gonna happen? Didn’t think so. It was worth a try, though.

Want more from me? Check out my blog or follow me on twitter.

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Don’t let the trailer fool you, this is not an action flick. It’s a drama about a lonely assassin. Watching it, I felt as if I’d entered the bleak and isolated world of an Edward Hopper painting. Based on a novel by Martin Booth, The American has sparse dialogue, photographic-like cinematography, and a dark vibe that becomes even more pitch as it progresses.

George Clooney plays Jack, an assassin who bungles a key job and then hermits himself in a small Italian town while he builds a sophisticated gun for an enigmatic female killer. On the side, he dallies in an affair with Clara, an Italian prostitute who (of course) falls in love with her client. Saying much more would spoil the plot, but this is a slow-burning type of film for which ample patience is required.

It’s a good bet that Clooney will get an Oscar nomination for his nuanced performance, but I felt the script and direction never let us inside his character. There were many scenes where Jack walks the streets alone, drinks by himself, or spends time assembling components of a gun. While these moments might be effective in a novel, where the interior thoughts and feelings of the character can be revealed, on film, it appeared contemplative and isolating. But then again, maybe director Anton Corbijn wanted to create a picture with as little emotional life as that of its main character. It’s hard to invest in characters who seem more mysterious than likeable and more pitiable than sympathetic, but if you’re up for the challenge, The American does have some surprises in store.

Check out the trailer:

Dear Case,

My boyfriend and I recently went camping with some of my best friends and their significant others. On the first night, my boyfriend got very drunk and made a complete ass of himself. He got mad at something silly and started screaming and cussing at all of my girlfriends, blaring privileged information that I had shared with him to the group. He called my friends cheaters and whores in front of their mates, causing their respective companions to outwardly argue about fidelity and honesty. His antics turned what was supposed to be a fun camping trip into the renamed “Scary Island.” I know that my friends aren’t very fond of him anymore. Even if he apologizes to them, do you think it is a good idea to stay with him? I’m just not sure my friends will ever get past this, nor am I sure if I should let this go. We’ve only been together 7 months. Is this a sign?

     - Not a Happy Camper

Dear Camper,

Your boyfriend’s antics on the trip went over the line and hopefully he has already pleaded for forgiveness to you and your friends. Whether or not these allegations are true, it was not his place to air out their business or to call them names. You allude that he hasn’t apologized yet, which fingers him as inconsiderate and immature, in addition to being a mouthy drunkard. Discuss your need for him to try his best to smooth this mess out, if not for his own reputation for the two of you to continue a trustworthy relationship.

Since your “friends aren’t very fond of him anymore” is probably an understatement, whether or not they forgive him is their business. Case hopes you would understand if they don’t, as their relationships with their respective other halves could be permanently damaged by his ranting. Perhaps his actions were a foolish mistake never to happen again, or a blaring neon sign to show his lack of respect for others. With that said, he doesn’t shoulder all of the blame. The scary scene should also be a major lesson to you to keep your friends’ business under wraps. Talk to your friends and apologize for your part in spilling the beans, if you haven’t already. As for your guy, how he handles this major breach in confidence, the humility of apologizing to you and your friends and taking responsibility for his actions should determine his shelf life in this relationship.

Dear Case,

My husband and I just went on a family vacation with some extended family that I am only recently acquainted with. My husband’s ex uncle-in-law hosted the event at his home out of state. “Uncle Jim” is now divorced from the aunt, but is still involved with the family. While he was a gracious host, he made several comments to me in front of everyone that made me uneasy. At first, he was complimentary, but later became weird with suggestive comments about my figure, bathing suit selection and “flexibility.” I shrugged off his remarks and tried to ignore him, but it put me in an awkward position. The family really loves Uncle Jim, and I don’t want to make a fuss since we rarely see him. Do I tell my husband and other family members about my experience?

     - A Creep in the Family Tree

Dear Creep,

Hopefully, you nipped Jim with a quick retort about his inappropriate comments. If your deflections haven’t worked or you can’t bring yourself to confront him, ask your husband for help. Since Jim spoke to you like that in front of others, he may think he is being playful. Regardless of intent, his remarks were pervy and Jim needs a warning about personal boundaries and appropriate behavior. If you were feeling uncomfortable, then that is enough evidence that Uncle Jim went over the line. Instead of an altercation in front of the family, maybe your hubby can offer something determined but casual like, “Hey Unc, easy on the comments to my wife, she’s all mine.” Perhaps this less intense approach will show that your husband notices the smarmy behavior, and it’s not okay. If Jim persists or you feel you need a little more muscle behind the message, then your husband should take him aside and insist that Jim stop his crude comments.

If Uncle Jim can’t ditch his lecherous ways and offer apologies, then you and your husband need to remove yourself from his company at the next family reunion. As for telling the rest of the family that Jim’s a creep, you and your husband must decide if ringing bells is necessary for the safety and comfort of the other women and/or children in the family, or if you should handle this privately.

You may not think you can wear it, but the hottest fashion color this fall looks fantastic on everyone. And I’m not talking about anything remotely beige, I mean olive drab, military green…wonderful khaki! Along with the color comes some aviator chic and military styling that’s fresh and exciting, especially in coats and jackets adorned with brass buttons and epaulettes. Burberry was big on this look on the runway, but mixed it up in that totally “London calling” way. Look for a femine take on these classically masculine shapes. Pair it with a flirty skirt or dress, leather belt or black boots and you’ll be right on fashion point. Here are a few key pieces to get you on your way:

Celebrities like Gwen Stefani, Jennifer Anniston and Jessica Alba are loving the Cargo Pant. Tops on their list is J Brand’s Houlihan Skinny Cargo in Vintage Olive…named after Major Margaret “Hotlips” Houlihan of  the TV show MASH fame. Unlike cargo pants of the past, there’s no bulge from overly big thigh pockets and with a zipper up the bottom of the leg, they’re skinny skinny. You can get this pant at Nordstrom for $231.00. If that price point is too hefty, nothing beats Target, and for $21.99 you can get their super cute version, Mossimo Supply Co. Skinny Cargo Pant in Forest Ranger Green. 

Just the name alone says it all - Smythe “Cadet” Stretch Wool Military Jacket available at Bloomingdales for $595.00.  I love that it’s cropped, love the double-breasted detailing of the brass buttons and epaoulettes, and the details on the cuff. Love even more that’s it’s authentic military green…I’ve seen pictures of my grandfather in something exaclty like this! Want the look for less, check out the Aryn K. Military Jacket in Black or Grey for $108.00 at Piperlime. 

I must say, when her clothes first came out I was all ho hum…two T’s in a gold medallion? But now she’s kinda rocking my world. That’s Tory Burch, and you’ve probably seen these boots by now in every magazine. Check out Neiman Marcus for this Lugged-Sole Bootie for $395. Alexander McQueen has their own hot, hot version - Fatigue Peep Toe Bootie also at Neimans and currently over 50% off. (Personally, and I know this is sacrilede, but I prefer the Burch bootie.) 

If you happen to have $3595.00 to throw around, I’d suggest throwing it towards this Prorsum Shearling Funnel Neck Aviator Jacket by Burberry made of a rich brown leather with dyed sheep shearling from Iceland (and made in Italy of course). It’s rediculously gorgeois! I searched and searched and found nothing even remotely like this, let alone for less. If you find it, let us know, cause we would die for it! 

No proper flygirl would be seen without her aviator sunglasses. Sure, you can go for classic Ray Bans, but the Chloé Tamaris Aviators sport a little leather flair on the bridge and temple that goes beyond. Usually sold for $290 at most online retailers, we found them discounted for $169.99 at nyciwear.com.

If you’re still in shock from that aviator jacket price tag, I have something for $25 that can bring you back to consciousness. With the name Chanel. (See, I take care of you, girl.) Each season Chanel has wowed us with their limited edition Le Vernis Nail Colours and this fall is no exception. This trio of on-trend shades are all khaki. Khaki Rose, Khaki Brown and my personal fave, Khaki Vert.  They will be released September 10th and there is already a waiting list. The Les Khakis de Chanel will be available in Chanel boutiques, on Chanel.com and in select department stores such as Bloomingdales. Call now, NOW, if you want to get on the list.   

And one last spot on pic of how to put this look all together. Check out Olivia Palermo - American socialite, reality TV star (”The City”) and fashionista - wearing it. Get the boots, get the belt, get the jacket, cardigan and frilly top and you’ll be one of the tribe. Sir, yessir!

Top Picture is Rag & Bones’ Military Leigh Jacket available for $475 at shoplesnouvelles.com.

Animals do it. Peacocks fan their tails, mice twitch their noses (remember “Bewitch” and her bewitching nose?), turtles nod their heads at each other for hours at a time. So whether you’ve perfected the human come-hither look, toss of the hair, arching the back or not, it’s easier than you think. Flirting is all about having fun, and being playful and sexy. If you can do that then you can be a flirting pro.

The essence of flirting is interest. Have you ever flirted with anyone who you don’t want attention from? Have you ever wanted to flirt with someone and another woman beat you to the punch? The game has changed. According to a recent study at Webster University in St. Louis, Missouri, it’s no longer the women with the optimal hip-to-waist ratios or perfectly symmetrical faces who are catching men’s attention. It’s the women sending out repeated signals.

The #1 Rule in flirting is EYE CONTACT.

If you can’t connect with eye contact, they you can’t connect. You know the old saying, “Eyes are the window to the soul.” No matter how cliché it sounds, it is true. When you give somebody eye contact it lets them know that you are interested. When you feel interested in someone, do the 3 second rule. This is when you give the person you are interested in eye contact for 3 seconds and then them flash them your most winning smile. This gives them the OK to know that you are interested and to approach you.

For you ladies, men say that they wish that women would give them a large clue that they are interested in them. So, if you are, give him that clue. Flirt with the eyes. Invite him to come over with that sparkle in your eye. He might not come over at first because many men are insecure. And, he might not know if you are really flirting with him. Give him some time and space to approach you. But, keep your flirt on!

A lot of people think that flirting makes them look silly. They feel their face beginning to blush, their upper lip shake and their knees tremble. Well, flirting isn’t about being sleek. It’s about being sincere and flirty. It’s actually charming if you look a little nervous. Practice makes perfect and flirty, even if you have to do it in front of a mirror until you are comfortable.

For some quick tips on Flirting, here are some do’s and don’ts:

Do:
     • Take a chance.
     • Show your interest
     • Lock eyes.
     • Giggle and tease sweetly
     • Touch, brush arm, bump knees
     • Give compliments to the person you are interested

Don’t:
     • Be self-absorbed
     • Overly sexual
     • Act stupid or as if you are 6 years old
     • Flirt with everyone
     • Be obscene…remember what your mother always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to
       say then don’t say anything at all.” So, lewd or disgusting gestures, jokes and comments are
       not welcome.
     • Gossip or be negative
     • Whine

So, get yourself out there and get your FLIRT ON!

Eris Huemer, M.A., is an internationally sought after relationship counselor and coach, author, and speaker who specializes in doing Love Makeovers with singles and couples. Eris is a reoccurring “Love Doctor,” on Ryan Seacrest’s national radio show, the author of “Break-Up Emergency. A Guide to Transform Your Break UP into a Break THROUGH” and “Break UP, Break THROUGH & BEYOND,” and a contributing author in the #1 Amazon Bestseller “Thank God I…Stories of Inspiration of Every Situation”. For anyone who is ready to get over a Break-Up, Divorce or Heartbreak and get into a relationship - they should not miss out on Eris’s Life-Saving Programs! Her website is www.LoveEris.com.

Eris founded her company after she survived her fair share of excruciating break-up after break-up, found a way to heal her broken heart for good, and get to “I Do” with her husband & co-author, Clayton Winans. To buy her books go to www.loveeris.com/shop.php.

A look at some September Women’s Mags

As any frequent women’s magazine reader is aware, September is the month of bounty. Magazines pump up the volume in an effort to draw us in, but does bigger mean better advice? Let’s take a look:

Cosmopolitan is not really any bigger than usual, but as any Cosmo reader knows, the magazine isn’t about fashion, it’s about uprooting your principles, altering your personality and repressing your interests to manipulate, I mean win, a guy. What does Cosmo deliver in the sage advice department this month? Well, a look at the cover can’t help but get me excited. “Untamed Va-Jay-Jays Guess What Sexy Style is Back!” Oh, I know! I know! Hair?! Yes, I was right! Some women are no longer waxing. Tell me more, Cosmo. ‘Lately, there’ve been a lot of new va-jay-jay trends …’ Is there some group, the CVT (the Council for Va-jay-jay Trends) out there meeting in conference rooms discussing what’s next for female genitals, because if so I want to attend a meeting. ‘Now that the Brazillian is mainstream, women want new ways to make the area special.’ Really? Isn’t it special enough? No, it’s not. And Cosmo has tips like make-up that can make your labia more pink. I didn’t make that up. More pink. What else does Cosmo offer? “Seduce Him! This Sexy Move Works From 20 Feet Away”. So what’s the secret to seducing him? It involves walking! But not any walk, a strut walk, where you lead with your boobs (assuming you have boobs to lead with) and swivel your hips from side to side. Apparently it goes back to cave men days when women would walk like this during their less fertile times to keep the attention of their men. And they know this how? Is there some lost cave men footage showing women walking like this? Paintings on cave walls that look like some graphic novel depiction of women? Spare me the cave men crap.

Marie Claire captivates me with the headline “Diet Secrets: What Women Really Eat”. What do we eat? I need to know. Actually, it’s not what I expected - ice cream and potato chips (though I suppose that would be an article entitled What Laura Really Eats) but a look at seven women in various countries and what they eat. Mildly interesting, especially urine drinking as a pick me up in India.

Shape has Kristen Bell on the cover with her 30 Best Stay Fit Tips. Number one annoys me right out of the gate. ‘Celebrate Your Age! I don’t subscribe to the idea that aging is a bad thing.’ Of course you don’t, Kristen, you’re 30! Get back to me in 10 years. I’ll admit as I’ve gotten older one of my pet peeves is hearing younger people tell me how wonderful getting old is, it’s like listening to an 18 year old tell you how gross face lifts are. Yeah, they’re gross but the older you get the more you don’t mind the grossness of them. The rest of Bell’s tips are cute and helpful though a bit obvious.

Self draws me in with the cover headline “6 Ways to Eat Healthier Automatically” because I’m a real bad eater. The tips turn out to be actually helpful (I was expecting ‘grab a pear instead of that donut’). They suggest putting your snack on a plate and sitting down. As a person who will open a bag of chips and grab handfuls out of it as I walk back and forth between the TV and the kitchen, putting it on a plate would make me more aware of what I eat. Of course, it may not stop me from going back and putting a second helping on my plate but that’s not Self’s fault. Another suggestion is to pay cash. Apparently you’re more likely to think about what you’re buying if you pay cash instead of swipe. That makes sense to me. Helpful tips from a magazine that’s usually not helpful!

Elle has an essay “The Rich Aren’t Like You and Me” by Daphne Merkin which discusses how rich people are reviled and have to deal with people thinking their not worthy of their wealth. Poor rich people! While Merkin has a point that the not-rich-people are always intrigued by the rich even while they revile them, it’s an obvious and easy point. (The Real Housewives series is cited as an example of our vicarious living, though I don’t think it’s a good one since most of the housewives seen to have lived a fake life of wealth financed by credit cards.) She’s a smart enough women to comment that of course it’s easier to be depressed and wealthy than depressed and wondering where your next meal is coming from, but it feels fake to me, like it’s something you’re supposed to say even though you don’t really believe it. I’m guessing she would read my criticism and say that it proves her point that people do revile rich people and often for unfair reasons and all I’d have to say is ‘give me all your money and then get back to me.’

Allure has an intriguing look at three of Tiger Wood’s mistresses and the plastic surgery they had. It’s really quite a depressing piece. These women had no value for themselves as a person outside their exaggerated female image. Imagine if they tried to enlarge their brains instead of enlarging their breasts (not that the two are mutually exclusive), who knows what they could have achieved, instead of being a footnote in Tiger Woods biography.

Brains before boobs, ladies! See you in October!

In a lot of ways, I’m so not the target market for this TV show. Vampires were never really my thing…but make them southern vampires with werewolves, shape-shifters and a ghetto-fabulous fry cook thrown in? Well, color me addicted.

First off, let’s get the requisite fawning out of the way: I LOVE this show. It’s so campy yet well-written (and well-acted)! The writers really have a great dynamic between twisted, out-there, hilarious moments and the truly dramatic — though, somehow, I like the twisted hilarity better.

Then there’s tall-drink-of-Viking Eric Northman. Honestly, how Sookie can resist this is beyond me:

Other perks: a virgin vampire with teenage angst; homo-erotic, inter-species pairings; fun accents (how I will miss Franklin and his unique brand of British crazy).

And now (drum roll, please)…

Confession No. 1: I’m only just starting to read the books.

Maybe that makes me a lightweight and not a member of any respectable True Blood fandom. All I can say in my defense is that I prefer the novels, which is really saying a lot. Charlaine Harris’s Sookie is a much better character than showrunner Alan Ball’s – for whatever reason, her sass and no-nonsense attitude don’t really translate so well into the TV show, perhaps due to the plethora of secondary characters and their memorable one-liners.

But I love it that True Blood isn’t following its source material exactly — and not just because I accidentally started reading the books out of order. TV and novels are two entirely different media and Alan Ball (who also penned American Beauty and the fantastic Six Feet Under) knows what he’s doing. He and his staff successfully create and navigate multiple story lines for a cast of no less than fifteen characters.  That’s easier said than done.  It also leads me to…

Confession No. 2: I’m kind of over Sookie Stackhouse.

And by that I mean show-Sookie, of course.  Has anyone else noticed Hollywood’s tendency to call certain TV shows “dramas with strong female leads” when they’re actually just dramas with big, ensemble casts?  Think Grey’s Anatomy; ABC Family’s Huge; even the late Ugly Betty.  Well, we have the same situation with True Blood.  Sookie Stackhouse is a terrible lead.  I’m not the first to say this, you can go onto any fan site and read comments to the like.  She’s a typical damsel in distress and a stupid one at that; God, does she get on my nerves…in fact, could I speak to girlfriend directly a moment?  Thanks, this won’t take long.

Dear Sookie: your vampire boyfriend Bill is the source of all your problems.  I’m not trying to say that he’s using you but it might be time to wake up and smell the garlic.  The next time Bill says to you, “Soookaaay (you know the way he says your name is annoying as all get out), help me save the vampire Queen/help me fool the Vampire Authority/help me in any other activity involving vampires in which you might risk your own life,” your answer should be a resounding NO.  I don’t care how good the sex is, it will be even better with Eric or Alcide.   Also: please make a decision or a plan or a goal or something for once in your life.  Love, Elizabeth.

There.  It needed to be said.

But since Bill and Sookie (the male and female lead, no less!) are perpetually boring, what keeps us hooked to this show, week after week?  It might have something to do with…

Confession No. 3: I’m totally digging the Male Eye Candy.

Anyone who went to film school (myself included) at some point learned about film theorist Laura Mulvey’s notion of the “male gaze”.  It’s quite a fascinating argument and hard to reduce into a few words on a blog but here goes: women, on movie or TV screens as in life, are objects and not subjects — we aren’t made to look, we’re made to be looked at.  Duh, you might be thinking but it actually gets much more insidious when you realize that women internalize the male, heterosexual gaze and start seeing ourselves as objects.  Like I said, fascinating.

Well, Alan Ball, who is gay, turned those tables right around by giving us such an array of seductive male characters.  Bill, Eric, Alcide, Jason, Eggs Benedict (remember him??), take your pick.  They’re all drop dead sexy and never seem to wear shirts.  Even the psychopathic stalker is attractive:

Not bad, right? (Perhaps you ought to take a look at my Top Ten to see what gets my goat, though.)  And don’t get me started on all the hot, homo-erotic moments!  Whether it’s Lafayette and his new boy Jesus, Eric’s revenge-sex scene with Talbot or even Sam’s unexpected wet dream about Bill, you have to appreciate the sociological irony of guy on guy action regularly being featured on a hit TV show while a majority of Americans oppose gay marriage.

In short, if you’ve never seen this TV show, you should (do yourself a favor and start with the first season); if you have, keep on watching.  It’s a feminist exercise!  It’s good for tolerance and progress!  If we could get the problem of Boring Sookie solved, we might just have ourselves a cultural phenomenon on our hands…oh, wait.  We already do.

We’ve all had it for one reason or another. You’re on your feet all day. You come home, get in bed and your feet are throbbing…or worse, blisters. You wonder how you will ever fall asleep. According to discoveryhealth.com, “overworked feet…in a single day…absorb about 1,000 pounds of force.” And then we women shove our feet into shoes that are tight, pointy, with heels currently higher than the gross national debt of some countries. How can we take care of our feet?

The American Podiatric Medical Association conducted a study and one of the findings was that 75% of Americans will undergo some type of foot problems in their lives, most stemming from abuse. Each of your feet has 26 bones, 33 joints, eight arches and 19 muscles helping you walk and move around. Quite a piece of engineering all held together by over a hundred ligaments. So many areas where something can go wrong. Many people ignore seeing a doctor for foot injuries, including breaking a toe. They don’t even stay off their feet. Ignoring this small pain can lead to more pain, surgeries or worse. If you have any kind of chronic pain, please check with a podiatrist ASAP before these issues become incapacitating.

And many times this pain is simply a result of your blood pooling in your lower extremities causing that throbbing ache. Especially if you’re running around with kids all day or you have a job where you’re constantly on your feet. Raising your feet up for about a half hour will help recirculate that blood.

If that doesn’t do the trick, here are six other tips for easing foot pain and promoting foot health:

1. Massage Breaks. If you have to stand all day, take a break, take your shoes off and massage those feet. Stretch them out for a couple minutes per foot and that will relieve some discomfort. Flex your toes and ankles and get those joints loosened up before you get back on your feet again. Make sure you bring a pair of comfortable shoes to switch into as soon as your day ends, especially for the drive home. (I always keep a pair of flip flops in my trunk for any foot emergency.) Then when you get home, massage them again. Get that circulation going. Adding any kind of peppermint lotion to the foot rub will also ease the pain and help stimulate your circulation.

2. Yamuna Foot Walkers. We think about stretching our bodies, but we don’t ever think about stretching our feet. Yamuna Zake created a whole line of body rolling therapies for fitness, massage and health taught at not only her NYC studio, but also in partnership at the famous Canyon Ranch Resorts.  For the feet, Yamuna has a kit that comes with two foot walkers and a DVD that will get you on your way to improving the strength in your feet, increase flexibility and improve alignment. The Yanuma program gives you simple proactive tools and solutions that can help you alleviate pain and prevent it in the future. These walkers feel great on aching feet!

3. Use a foot spa. We recommend the Brookstone Heated Foot Bath as it is similar to models you’ll see in high end spas and nail salons. The $99 price may give you pause, but this item has rave reviews. It soothes your feet with hot water heated to 115 degrees that stays hot, plus dual hydro jet nodes massage your foot arches and stimulate important reflexology zones to provide optimal foot relaxation. It has a cordless remote control so you control both water temperature and water speeds. A foot spa is especially good for people who are experiencing any kind of osteoarthritis.

4. Lose weight. Even 25 extra pounds can mean the difference between healthy feet and painful conditions such as inflammation and osteoarthritis. As you put on more weight, you distribute your weight differently, affecting your posture and your feet. It shifts the body weight to the insides of your feet causing problems for your arches and tendons. You also take shorter steps and angle your feet out more. Now, consider if you wear heels too. Heels distribute more weight, especially if it is a thin heel, to the balls of your feet. Those bones are bearing even more pounds of force than with a flat shoe. It begins to start a vicious cycle where you are not even able to exercise to lose the weight due to the pain. One option may be orthopedics. Again, check with your podiatrist. These issue can become serious.

5. Proper shoe fit. Believe it or not, shoes are one of the biggest causes of foot problems. If your shoes are worn out, throw them out or get them resoled. If they change how you walk, they are changing your posture and how your joints work. Make sure you get a proper fit on new shoes. Try both shoes on when buying new shoes - one foot is almost always bigger than the other, plus sometimes one shoe has an irregularity that can rub and cause blisters. If they don’t feel comfortable in the store, they won’t feel comfortable at home, and don’t be convinced that they will stretch. Pass on them. If you do find that you bought a pair of shoes that are a little too tight, it is worth it to take it to a shoe repair and have them professionally stretched. It usually only costs around five dollars and you can tell them where and how much, and your cobbler will do the trick. Try to buy shoes in the evening, when your feet are their most swollen, that way you can ensure a comfortable fit all day long. Another tip, make sure your shoes are dry before you wear them and try not to wear the same shoe two days in a row.

6. Moleskin. I learned this trick from my ballerina days. If it can ease the pain and blisters from a point shoe, it can ease the pain for any shoe! When a bandaid won’t stay on (they never seem to on feet), moleskin will. You can cut it to any size, it self-adheres anywhere on your foot and you’re good to go. Always cut it larger than the blister with rounded corners and let the moleskin just wear off on it’s own, otherwise it can take the healing blister off with it. Moleskin is sold at your local drug store.

Happy feet are key. Nothing can ruin a fun time or a fun party when all you can think of is how much your feet are killing you and how you can’t wait to get home and take your shoes off. Or ladies, forgo the vanity and just take the dang things off. It’s not worth it. Even on your wedding day, who wouldn’t love a happy bride, barefooted, kickin’ it up on the dance floor? Heels may be sexy, but barefoot is beautiful!

Dear John,

The car I’d been driving since college recently died. Though I was sorry to see it go, I knew it was coming. And I expect my boyfriend, a gear head, would help me pick out  a new one and maybe do all the negotiating, searching, etc for me. But he did NOTHING. He didn’t even go with me to test drive them. I did a lot of research on price online but I know, statistically that men get better deals. I am so upset. What gives? Why didn’t he help me? I wanted him to take the lead, but he didn’t. Why not?

Signed,

Geared to Death

Dear GTD,

He probably didn’t know you wanted him to. Gender roles have been changing radically over the last 30 years, but especially as of late. This has confused the hell out of men. Feminism says a woman can do anything a man can do but that doesn’t mean she wants to. Do we open the door? Do we not? Do we pay for the date or do we not? As much as we men wish women would get together and make a clear cut set of universal rules, it varies from woman to woman. Feminism or not, most if not all woman want a man who will lead.

I’ll never forget the first time I discovered this. I was dating a woman who made considerably more money than I did at the time and as a result she drove an incredibly fancy car. When she arrived at my place for our date, she handed me the keys to her BMV convertible and said, “Where are we going?”

I was dumbfounded as I drove through L.A. towards our destination in a car that cost more than my annual salary. But I got the hint. It’s a pretty simple example but it applies here. If you want him to lead, you need to let him know it. You don’t have to be overt about it, but drop him a hint. Instead of handing him your keys, in this instance I would act helpless and girly. You both know you’re not helpless, but most men, myself included, can’t resist a girly girl routine. “I don’t know honey, whatever you think!” or, “You’re the man in the relationship, it’s your call…” are two of the most common one’s I’ve heard and they get me every time. We both know what the deal is: she’s not weak or clueless; she just wants me to take the lead.

So get out there and hand your man your keys!

Dear John,

I love my man, but his clothes! I swear it’s like he was born wearing T-Shirt and jeans! He has several “lucky” t-shirts and they have just worn out their welcome long ago. Why doesn’t he like nice clothes and how can I get him to get rid of his “lucky” shirts?

Signed,

All Dressed Up

Dear Dressed Up,

Some men don’t like fashion, but there are many who do like fashion that simply dress for the occasion. If they don’t have any reason, they won’t dress for it. There are many other guys who are simply, well, sweaty. We’re a pragmatic bunch so if it’s not super easy we don’t do it.

How do you get him to get rid of the lucky t-shirts? Well, you don’t. Not at first…come up with some kind of “occasion” that you want him to get dressed up for. Pick out an outfit for him to wear for it. Make him wear it. Make sure he gets complimented on it when you go out and make sure it fits his style. It should be at the crossroads between what you want him to wear and what you know he will wear. Repeat this gradually over time until his closet gets to the point where it’s 90% clothes you picked out and 10% his “lucky” clothes. Then do the laundry. And then one “lucky” shirt will mysteriously “disappear.” If he asks, you tell him you put it back in his closet and you’re sure he wore it out somewhere recently. He’ll try and find it, but forget about it eventually. After it fades from his memory, repeat the process. He’ll be dressing snazzy in no time!