A Look at Some March Women’s Mags

Now that spring is just around the corner, and we’ve forgiven ourselves for abandoning every single one of our new year’s resolutions, and we’re finally starting to feel pretty okay with ourselves – hopeful, even – here come the March women’s magazines to shamelessly crush our souls and turn our spring fever into self-loathing.

Vogue: This is going to sound extremely anti-sisterhood but – Tina Fey on the cover? Really? I love Tina Fey, don’t get me wrong. She’s incredibly smart and funny and she is good looking but she’s not a model. Where have all the cover models gone?! Why, oh why, can’t we have those women whose hair was spun by cherubs and whose cheek bones were chiseled by angels looking out at us from the covers of the fashion magazines? I’m going to start a campaign to bring back the model. I seriously miss them. I know, their ridiculous beauty is supposed to make me feel that I’m lacking and that I’ll inevitable compare myself to them which will cause low self esteem and possible eating disorders because I can’t measure up. But you know what? I can’t measure up and it doesn’t bother me in the least. Their beauty is a complete crap shoot. They had nothing to do with it – they didn’t make themselves beautiful through hard work and determination. They were born that way. Why feel inadequate about something I can do nothing about? Tina Fey, however, makes me feel like crap. She has a fantastic award winning career, makes a good deal of money and she gets to be on the cover of Vogue and I don’t! She makes me feel like a loser! Bring back the models!

Self: This cover story catches my eye: Find the Happy in Every Day: 9 Secrets to More Joy, No Matter How Crazy Your Life. Sounds good, I want more joy. I want a lot more joy. How do I find the happy in every day? Well, turns out it’s quite time consuming. There’s something about drawing a blueprint of your house to see where your troubles lie. God, that’s too much work. I want every day happiness without having to think about it. Give me the 9 secrets to joy then. That sounds easy. Secret number 5 is interesting coming from a magazine which is titled SELF – “It’s Not All About You”. Really? Then why am I reading your magazine?! All 9 happiness helpers are true but basic (“you can’t live in the past”, “you can change only yourself”, etc. etc) but knowing these axioms is far easier than living them. So, no joy for me.

Shape: The Hot Sex Tip Women Are Talking About. And my God, they’re right, we are talking about this – working out leads to more blood flow to your clitoris – we just can’t stop talking about it. If we’re not talking about the economy or health care, we’re talking about blood flow to our clitorises. Get A Wow! Body at 20, 30, 40+. That makes me feel all tingly inside to know that as a 40something woman I’m lumped in with 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 and 100 year olds. According to Shape, we’re all the same! Hurray! The article actually tells you nothing about how to get a better body but shows you pictures of Hollywood types in swim wear. There are only two women over the age of 50. Sharon Stone at 51 and Katie Couric at 53. I guess once you’re over the age of 53, your body is not a Wow.

Marie Claire: The headlines on the March issue are a crack up. Pretty Is Back! Wow, it’s about time. I’m so sick of watching all those ugly women in movies and TV. Now, maybe you can take Keira Knightley off your cover and put on a Super Model. MUST-READ: I AGREED TO A THREESOME FOR MY HUSBAND’S BIRTHDAY. Um, no, that’s not a must read. That’s not even a maybe read if I’m in the Doctor’s office where the only other magazine choice is Car and Driver.

Cosmopolitan: A great article beckons me from the cover: 50 Ways to Become a Legendary Flirt. I’ll be a bit brazen here and say that I used to be a pretty good flirt but now that I’m in the 40 to 100 year age demographic I’m not as talented as I once was, so I eagerly start reading to learn Cosmo’s tips. Here are just a few: “Try this professional yet intimate gesture when you’re introduced to your man’s boss: Take his hand and use your free one to cover his as you shake.” First off, I never use the term “my man”, second, why the hell am I flirting with my man’s boss? I think I should stop doing that. It’s kind of creepy and just plain wrong. Another tip: “Gyno rushing through your visit? After looking at pics of her kids on her office wall, ask how she successfully manages to juggle a family with her amazing career.” Again, two things – One, are there women who enjoy a nice leisurely gynecologist appointment? And second, why the hell do I want to flirt with my gynecologist?! To get a BOGO Pap Smear?! Another awesome tip: “Lean on the counter at the dry cleaners so that the cashier can see your statement necklace slip into your cleavage.” First, what the hell is a statement necklace and two HAVE YOU SEEN MY DRY CLEANER? The last thing I want to do is show him my cleavage! I turn away from that craziness to another great Cosmo article The Sneaky Way I Solved Our Sex Issue. This is an article written from the trenches, real life women with real life sex problems. Take one woman who has a husband who kisses soft and gentle while secretly she wants him to kiss her hard. So what did she do? She rented movies that showed couples making out with gusto and told him how hot that looked. “It took a few weeks for the message to sink in …” A few weeks?! Here’s a non-sneaky way to solve your sex issue, tell him “kiss me like you want to maul me.” Another woman says her boyfriend finds condoms a “boner killer”, so she solved this problem by putting it on him using her mouth (wow! That is sneaky! I bet he never even noticed!) Here’s my solution: “Dude, you know what’s a real boner killer? Children. Put it on or get lost.” Not as sneaky as putting a condom on with your mouth but probably equally effective.

March on ladies to April where I expect a shower of soul crushing articles from the world of women’s magazines!

Related topics: flirting, Happiness, Having a great body, Sex Tips, Tina Fey