A Look at Some February Women’s Magazines
Many people make resolutions in January. By the time February rolls around, most of us have broken our resolutions – ice cream has snuck its way back into our freezer, workouts have stopped (if they ever began in the first place), Bravo is again being watched. I had a resolution to be positive but looking on the bright side was exhausting. So goodbye January, hello February! Let the bad times roll!
Shapehas Elisha Cuthbert on the cover (wearing a god awful Herve Leger dress) with the headline about her “5-Minute Workout for Killer Curves”. She looks nice and curvy so I’m intrigued. I check out her workout and not only does it look doable, it doesn’t look like it will make you miserable either. Does that mean I’ll do it? Eh, probably not. In the article about Elisha she is asked about the smartest advice she’s ever gotten. Her answer: “Always have quarters in your car.” Now, I would say that that is good advice; however, if that is the smartest advice Elisha has ever received she needs to surround herself with more deep thinking people. Though, actually the smartest advice I’ve ever received is ‘always check to make sure the toilet seat is down’ so who am I to talk?
Harper’s Bazaarhas a depressed looking Demi Moore on the cover. Seeing as she’s had a rough year I get why she looks so sad. Inside there is an interview between Moore and Amanda De Cadenet. The two women are doing a Lifetime show “The Conversation” where rich, successful women talk about the challenges in their life. Yawn. Anyway, I’m curious enough to skim the interview. This exchange was intriguing: Moore asks De Cadenet ‘so what scares you?’ De Cadenet replies ‘Infidelity scares me. It scares me when it happens to my friends…’ As it has been said that Kutcher cheated on Moore I find it shocking that De Cadenet gives that answer. She then adds to the infidelity conversation: “It’s like someone saying ‘I don’t value you. You don’t’ mean enough to me, so I’m just going to totally dishonor and disregard all that you’ve shown me.’” Wow! The two are friends from what I gather. Seems kind of cruel of De Cadenet to make those observations but what do I know. “Lose The Last 5 Pounds For Good” turns out to be a dream article for anyone suffering from an eating disorder with advice that backs up things they’re probably already doing. Take this nugget: ‘when you lose weight, fat exits through the bowel, and fiber aids that exit strategy.’ You know what else aids that exit strategy? Laxatives. Or how about ‘double up your workouts’? Any of those women who add two hours on the treadmill because they ate a grape would love to have their thought processes validated. One thing does interest me in the article, though. It’s a recipe for a thermogenic brew that the writer suggests you drink every night. Take the juice of one lemon, hot water, a tablespoon of chopped parsley and a pinch of cayenne. Let it step for 15 minutes. Then drink it. Apparently it increases calorie burning and stops water retention. I might just give it a try. And no I don’t have an eating disorder.
Selfhas Kristen Bell on the cover and apparently she has an “Eat-Pizza Diet Trick”. I love pizza so I need in on this trick. The trick is she scrapes leftover pizza toppings into an egg white dish. Wow, that is so not a great tip. I find it amusing when Kristen who is a vegetarian says “I couldn’t understand why if we didn’t eat the dog I should eat a burger.” But then why are you eating the chicken egg? Kristen has a great answer to the question of how she stays so positive. “I love my therapist.” “Hot Sex Secrets No-No’s That’ll Have You Saying “Yes, Yes!” These editors are so witty aren’t they? So what is the no-no? It’s one of those hyperbole headlines magazines love to produce that don’t seem to correspond with the article inside. Apparently though the no-no is having an office romance. The article gives you a yes-yes permission to date your co-worker (as long as it’s not your boss or assistant) but you shouldn’t have sex on your desk with them. You can have sex during your lunch break as long as it’s not in your office. You can be late for work because you were having sex at home but only once – not twice or three times. Wow, what a lot of rules for an article that sounded playful. I can’t help but turn to the article “Easy Body Confidence Look and Feel Amazing Every Time You Get Dressed (Or Undressed).” It turns out who you hang out with can make you feel better about yourself. You mean my best friend telling me every other day, “You look like crap. What did you do? Fall asleep in a garbage dump?“ isn’t good for my self-esteem. Who knew? “98% Prettier!” What the hell does that mean? If I’m going to be prettier, I’d prefer 100%. The article is about smiling making you prettier but why it only adds up to 98% is never made clear. And what exactly is that last 2%?
Reese Witherspoon stares out from the cover of Elle looking like the alien on the cover of the old book Communion. Why do all these real live women look so freakish and alien on covers? “Is What You’re Eating Making You Old? (Yes! Fix That Now).” Yes, I will fix it now. What is it? Sugars give you wrinkles. So avoid white sugars and high fructose corn syrup and simple carbs. I must admit to being slightly amused that the article mentions that some of this research came from studying diabetes. Kind of lets you see what Elle’s priorities are – not diabetes but wrinkles.
Voguegives us a bohemian looking Taylor Swift on the cover. I could easily imagine walking past a newsstand in 1972 and seeing a similar covert so for that reason I love it. The strange thing is I don’t really recognize Taylor Swift nor do I really recognize her in the pictures accompanying the article about her. I will admit it’s not like I seek out pictures of Taylor Swift so I’m no expert on what she looks like, but if you’ve been alive and functioning the last few years you can’t help but have seen her face on other covers or on awards shows (where her mouth is always wide open in shock that she won) so to my semi-schooled eye she looks different. I just can’t put my finger on it. If you saw the movie September Issue (a great documentary about the making of Vogue’sbehemoth September issue) I’m guessing you’re like me and probably fell in love with Editor Grace Coddington. I’ve always admired her work but my word the editorial “Love in the Afternoon” is one of the dumbest and clichéd ridden editorials I’ve ever seen. An angry and preoccupied model Lara Stone is seen in the first shot wearing a fab looking Louis Vuitton skirt and top as she walks down a driveway. A step behind her is her character’s husband (the caption tells us he’s an oil baron) and her son (I’d guess he’s about ten). Then our unhappy housewife meets up with I’m guessing an oil field worker (modeled by actor Aaron Ekhart) who is dressed in a brown Depression era looking suit. He appears to drive a vintage pick-up, which as everyone knows is what all oil-field workers drive. Our housewife has changed clothes and has brought her son along, which is really quite tacky of her isn’t it? She changes her outfit again to look at an oil rig that the oil field worker helpfully points out. Another shot (and another change) she models her Jil Sander outfit while the worker and son look on appreciatively. Then she changes again and now Aaron is hiding his face. Either he hates her outfit or she has told him this relationship has to end. Then she changes again to comfort her sad looking son (is he sad because the oil field worker is gone or because his disturbed mother feels it’s all right to take him along on her cheating, clothes-changing afternoon?) Oh but then she’s changed again and back with the oil field worker. Yet another outfit change and they’re admiring a Greased Lightning looking car. Has the woman bought it for the oil field worker? Her son looks on (probably thinking ‘mom I really want to go home now’). The last shot is of the guys checking under Greased Lightning’s hood while off to the side she looks peeved (probably because she’s changed her clothes yet again but the guys are tired of pretending interest). And that’s the end of “Love in the Afternoon”. Did she go home? Did she stay with the oil field worker? Will her son need therapy when he’s older? Will the oil field worker ever get a more modern day looking suit? Will the woman ever stop changing her clothes? All these questions and not a single answer. Kind of like life.
See you in March!
