Disappointment is a factor in life, and sometimes more so around the holidays as events and people occasionally don’t meet expectations. So what’s the best way to deal with disappointment? Here are some tips to get you through…
1. Vent. Give yourself 48 hours to really feel the emotions you are feeling, especially if it is a big disappointment. If you need to do some character assassinations in your head or to your bff, go for it. But always try to take the high road, meaning if the person or event that has disappointed you did so in a really hurtful way, try not to stoop to that same level. That is never good for you and this is all about how you can best get through it. Journaling about it is another good way to get it out of your system.
2. Decide if this is Forgivable or the Last Straw. Once your head is clear and you have processed the emotions a little, take a look at this disappointment honestly, even perhaps considering your part if you played one in it. Now, is this something you can live with? Did a boyfriend “forget” to get you a gift for the third time this year? Was the friend’s screaming expletives when angry just too much to handle anymore? Did someone not respect you again? If this is a pattern in that relationship, you might have to look at the relationship itself and maybe even walk away. If you had a part or this was a first time incident or something small then it’s forgive and forget time.
3. Talk it Out. By all means, if you have lingering feelings about this or resentment or anger, don’t keep them in till they boil over. And don’t repress them. Find a non-confrontational time when emotions have receded to broach the subject with the other person who disappointed you and see if there can be some resolution or boundary set for the next time. It’s often hardest to confront a friend or someone we love and to tell them you are angry or sad, but by doing so and getting through this will only strengthen your self esteem and even the relationship. It’s a great skill to develop to be able to ask for what you need in life, even or especially if you are afraid you might lose the person from your life.
4. Turn It Around. Sometimes it’s hard to see the positive in a situation or where the other person may be coming from. Sometimes confrontations have nothing to do with you at all but some other issue going on in their life. And since you are close to them, they feel more comfortable taking it out on you subconsciously. Sometimes that disappointed may be a closed door, but start looking for the open windows around you. That which we focus on becomes bigger. So if you focus on the anger side, your anger will grow, but if you try to lock onto something positive either about yourself, them or the event, that positive will grow and you will move on faster.
“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
– Michael Jordan
5. Adjust Your Expectations. I read that “disappointment doesn’t care about you…” meaning that often in the situation, the thing that caused you the disappointment usually is more self involved than worried about your reactions. So maybe it’s time for you to do the same. Don’t expect loyalty from a company that hasn’t shown it in the past. Don’t expect gifts from a significant other that always forgets should you decide that his/her other qualities make up for it. Don’t expect everything to be Norman Rockwell perfect when home for the holidays with family and friends. Nothing can live up to perfection. Focus instead on your needs and what you can actually control in the situation. And when you can, meet those needs yourself. Buy the earrings you are lusting after rather than hinting about them. Decide to do all the dishes after Christmas dinner rather than once again getting pissed at a sister who seemingly disappears whenever there is work to be done. Put on some nice holiday music and enjoy… you get the picture.
6. Learn From the Situation. Sometimes we get angry because we’ve been pulled into a situation once again. While we are disappointed by the other person or event, we may be even more disappointed in ourselves. Learn how to protect yourself in the future. It’s the focusing on the future and not dwelling on the disappointment that is very key here. This gets you more into action and moving forward which is always a good thing as we cannot change the past. In sports, they focus on how to beat a team the next time around so why not take a page from their game book and focus on how to try and beat the situation or disappointment the next time around too. Be objective and analyze what really has you disappointed and visualize or plan how you can take steps in the future to lessen it or never let it happen again. Setting boundaries not only applies with others, but ourselves too. That’s taking care of yourself, and even that small step of really finding out the issue underneath it all and becoming aware so that you never have to go through it again may just be the thing to help you forgive and forget. Tis the season!
