Happiness – that feeling of total and complete contentment you feel when the stars have aligned, the sun is bright and all is right with the world. It’s a deep satisfaction that fills your spirit and radiates through you, lighting up every room you enter. Many of us have experienced this feeling for fleeting moments or temporary seasons and strive to attain its everlasting presence. We pursue it relentlessly and grasp anxiously at its elusive existence, struggling to identify what it is that will provide us with the happiness we so desperately seek.
Studies have identified the number one source of happiness as close relationships with others. Our parents, siblings, extended family, co-workers, colleagues and friends play a major role in the degree of satisfaction we experience in life. We thrive off of the intimate connections we develop with those around us, and desire to be liked, loved, and needed by them. To maintain these relationships, many of us work overtime to make those around us happy and comfortable. We often become “yes men”, neglecting ourselves while piling numerous things onto our plates to appease others. Some of us, however, go a step further; allowing other people’s opinions and influences to weigh heavily on the major decisions we make in our lives. Eventually, it gets to the point where we must ask ourselves…
Whose happiness are we really pursuing?
One of my close friends recently had a revelation that the path she had chosen for her life wasn’t exactly her choice. She excelled throughout her academic career, tackled numerous leadership responsibilities, secured prestigious internship positions, and even pursued a double major to satisfy the expectations that had been placed upon her. As she progressed through her degree programs she began to loose steam. She lost interest in her involvements, became bored with her classes, and began to question the path she was on.
Nevertheless, programmed to consider the expectations of others, she continued to perform well in her classes, but with not nearly as much passion. She even entered a dual graduate degree program upon graduation, again heeding the recommendations and opinions of her parents and mentors. For a while the anticipation of the new challenge excited her. However, a few weeks into her graduate program, the excitement had faded. By the end of the term, she looked back on a quarter of skipped classes, wasted opportunities, and lack luster effort on her part. She lacked the passion for what she was learning. Frustrated, she decided it was time to evaluate her true desires and find out what would truly make her happy. While it wasn’t necessarily a prestigious or lucrative job, she discovered her passion was helping students get to college. The pursuit of that career goal would be the key to her happiness.
Despite the fact that she now had to have tough conversations with people she feared disappointing most, altering her academic path and solidifying her professional goals reignited the spark that had been lying dormant inside of her. Her passion was renewed as she stayed true to herself and her desires.
How far will we go to keep the people in our lives happy?
Like my friend, many of us are guilty of being that person who fears disappointing those we care about so much, that we will cram ourselves into a box to prevent from bursting out and crossing the lines that others have drawn for us. We are that “reliable” person that everyone comes to with their last minutes favors and assignments, knowing we will paste on a smile and accept the additional burdens. Some of us, myself included, tailor our ambitions to serve as a particular example for our families or those close to us, not realizing the greatest example you can set is staying true to yourself. We fool ourselves into believing the expectations others have for us are truly what is best for us. We know the people in our lives have our best interests at heart, but we have to consider whether or not they really know what is in OUR hearts. The only way they can get the inside scoop on our inner-most desires and wishes is for us to speak up.
Take back your happy ending.
So be real with your family and friends about what you want out of live. Talk honestly with supervisor and co-workers about your work load. Learn to SAY NO to allow yourself room to put forth your best effort with existing obligations. When you spread yourself too thin, each of your projects receives only a small portion of your attention and is therefore not an accurate representation of your abilities.
If misplaced influence is a bit closer to home–with overbearing family members who insist they know what is best for you and urge you to pursue a particular path, stand up for your dreams. Talk to them about what you want to do and show them how passionate you are about it. Eventually, they will understand and even if they don’t, most will support you regardless. The truth is–our parents, friends, mentors and colleagues do want what is best for us. Sometimes all you have to do is express to them what your goals are and allow them to realize that in order for you to be happy, you have to live your dreams.
Yes, we all want to be liked and loved and to make those around us proud of what we are doing. This is normal. But remember that passion inspires, ambition motivates and courage empowers. Everybody wins when you allow yourself to.
“The pen that writes your life story must be held in your own hand” – Unknown author.
