In the musical, Company, Stephen Sondheim penned the rhetorical question, “Does anyone still wear a hat?”  Well, the answer is a resounding “Yes!” Especially where I live.  Palm Beach.

I happen to know this first hand because I have become one of those ladies who lunch. I wear hats, go to fittings claiming I’m fat, blah blah blah.  It took over twenty years to choose this “hat”. My previous lunch life as a struggling actress in NYC consisted of a slice of Ray’s (the original of course) or Papaya’s royal hot dogs if I had the time and two bucks. The idea of sitting still through three courses, two glasses of wine, four speeches, a silent auction and a celebrity guest speaker at lunchtime seemed preposterous. Nowadays it seems I scarcely get through a meal without a “call from the heart” and a plea “for the kids…” Sometimes I find myself at Hamburger Heaven wanting to stand up and thank everyone for coming.

Palm Beach truly is one of the most generous communities in the world. It’s awe-inspiring, exhausting and fun (oh my!) During the social “season” in any given week there are dozens of events to do your part to save the world, or at least a feral cat or two. These pesky four-legged friends are one of the biggest problems in Palm Beach or so I read in The Shiny Sheet (Palm Beach’s daily newspaper named for it’s special paper so that the ink doesn’t rub off on our fingers- ewwwww! ) There is something to get dolled up for every night. In truth, it feels as if my social life is echoing my days back in the theater: 7 o’clock hair and make-up, 7:30 costume (except no dresser and I’m still waiting for my lady-in-waiting) and 8 pm Showtime!

Here in Palm Beach,  I have earned the moniker of “socialite”.  This probably doesn’t come from sitting on the boards of several non-profits, volunteering in soup kitchens, or any philanthropic funding but more so from showing up at almost every event in town (Paris Hilton is completely under-exposed compared to me, poor thing! ) Palm Beach Society works on a “do for me I’ll do for you” basis. If  I expect anyone to come to any event I am chairing, my bedazzled butt better be at their event. Believe me,  I’d show up at a Petco ribbon cutting wearing a sequin dog collar if a pet lover was donating to one of my causes!  But the truth is, in a town of social heavies, I am really much more of a social-light.  I doubt I will ever quite be the Palm Beach social maven I could be. As Sondheim quips, I may be “too busy to know I’m a fool” but I am definitely not “one who follows the rules”.

Let me explain.  I’m a B.B.C….Big Bridge Crosser.  The island of  Palm Beach was designed so that Palm Beachers and gephyrophobics (good cocktail party word – impress your friends! ) never have to leave the island except for jaunts to the hospital, funeral home or McDonald’s.  None of that negative stuff like that exists in our perfect paradise.  My husband would never cross the moat if he didn’t have to.  In fact, his car seems to be allergic to bridges. He claims the shocks are shot as we catapult rhythmically in and out of our seats while my daughters gleefully squeal “Weeeeeeeee,” but I have my suspicions.  I think it’s the Bentley’s desperate cry for help. “Don’t make me go over there… someone’s bound to ask me for Grey Poupon!”

I criss-cross with wild abandon, spending the majority of my day OTB (over-the-bridge that is, not betting on horse races.) I drive my daughters to school ( I actually choose to drive my kids to school…no chauffeur…it’s considered “hands-on” parenting) thirty minutes off the island to a lovely, small school only to be met with choruses of “you’re so brave” from other Palm Beach moms. Of course, I relish in my bravery, but it’s not Iraq.  It’s Palm Beach Gardens.

Another reason I’m social-light…I love bargains.  I am a hunter and a gatherer.  Not a very chic admission in PB society.  Outlets, sample sales, TJ Maxx (Runway!), eBay…each discount item purchased feels like a personal victory.  Score!  I absolutely adore my OTB SuperTarget ( I can just see the green oozing from you city girls.)  My breath is bated waiting for the newest “Go International” designer duds to hit the floor.  However,  I must offer words of advice about Target: DO NOT shop there wearing a red t-shirt and khakis unless you can confidently direct shoppers to the 7^th Generation mosquito spray in Aisle 10 and the Cynthia Rowley ice buckets toward the back of the store.  I learned this lesson the hard way.

Another fashion faux pas…I wear my evening gowns more than once.  Not in the same season, or the same event the following year, or especially if I’ve been featured on the pages of Town & Country.  I try to work on a three year rotation.  I’d hate to end up in a local version of “Who Wore it Best” with myself!

I hear some socialites keep a running log of when and where they wore what, but I am far too disorganized and lazy for that…and too busy lunching.

Now I know it’s the trend in certain circles to accessorize your purse with a tiny pooch, but the Palm Beach heavies have theirs poking out of a Hermes Birkin bag.  I am a total lightweight - I have no dog!  (Kinda cheating –  no dog because my daughter actually has acute allergic asthma to dogs.) However, if I did, I would NEVER carry in in one of my cherished Birkins no matter how well trained Fifi became at Doggie Sleepaway camp (everyone sends their pooches away for a 2 week house-breaking course…wish it were an option when my children were potty training.) It is a Birkin for heaven’s sake!  R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

But hey!  If your furry friend is particularly photogenic, he can be featured in the island’s homage to the purse dog, the magazine Pet Society. Of the four or more magazines devoted to PB society and charity events, this is one cover I will never grace.

But even as my social malfunctions continue to build, there is still hope for me.  In a post-Madoff Palm Beach and economic times where “it’s chic to be poor”, a local society fixture recently informed me there may be many more social heavies lightening up.  There may be more families “cupcaking” ( cupcaking (v.) getting back to home-style basics…I stole this phrase from a magazine and am doing my part to popularize it- sprinkling it into any conversation I have – love it! ), OTB pilgrimages, or shoppers heading toward the blue light.  And for any ladies who still want to lunch…I’ll save you a booth at the IHOP.  I’ll be the one in the big hat!