Dear John,
My boyfriend and I are at the point where it’s time for us to get married. I know we both want it. We’ve talked about kids, money, religion and everything else we could need to talk about and surprise, we’re on the same page. The funny thing is, no matter how many times we talk about it, no matter how many hints I drop, he won’t pull the trigger. What do I have to do to get the ring? I mean we both know it’s going to happen, let’s get the party started already!
     – Waiting on What?

Dear Wow,
You can’t make anyone pop the question, but maybe you can relax him into it. Guys don’t know why it’s such a big deal, we just know the proposal has to be perfect and the ring has to be perfect. Many women have this moment built up so huge in their minds that many guys would rather never propose to girls they want to marry just so they don’t screw it up. It’s a scenario that’s way too high risk and many men are either scared off or overwhelmed by the options (especially when engagement ring shopping,) and they shut down.

It might be good to mention casually, in passing, how a simple engagement would be nice. How it doesn’t have to be fancy, or elaborate, or perfect, and that if he ever needed help picking out the ring, your (fill in the blank) would be good to take along because they know just what you like (FACT: If a man picks out an engagement ring without the input of the bride to be or an appointed person, it will end in disappointment/disaster… period.) Maybe you and this friend have already gone to the jewelry store in question and you’ve picked out some rings that your guide can “suggest” to him. (Make sure she’s a good actress. If he knows that you’ve gone to a jewelry store and already picked out the ring it will freak him out and you’ll never get proposed to. Just ask Jennifer Love-Hewitt.)

The more you take the pressure off, the more of a non issue it becomes and then the pressure dissipates and then you’ll be engaged before you know it. You’re welcome. I expect a great seat at the reception sandwiched between all your slutty girlfriends/bridesmaids.

Dear John,
So my best girlfriend is getting married. I’ve been appointed the maid of honor. What do I need to do to be a good one?
     – What to do?

Dear WTD,
I’m pretty sure you should just watch Bridesmaids and not do that. Seriously though, I’m not a woman, but you can’t go wrong with brunch and mimosas. There should be some spa related activities. And of course strippers.

As the maid of honor, your job primarily revolves around male strippers (or female strippers, or both… depends on what you’re into.) You’ll want to probably have them come to a private location, ideally someone’s house, somewhere that the man she’s marrying won’t be anywhere near. Why? Because at his bachelor party, if someone even so much as looks at the stripper the wrong way, or if she feels uncomfortable, her bouncer will beat them to death or close to it. At his wife’s bachelorette party, molestation of the male stripper is as much of a part of the experience as the alcohol or the stupid things you make the bride to be wear. I don’t condone it, I just know it gets really, really wild typically, and if the husband to be knew about it how wild it got, there would be no wedding to celebrate.

You will also need to make sure that there is plenty of booze and food. The booze is a no brainer, the food isn’t, but is more important. People will need the food to soak up the booze. Make sure girls in the party start drinking heavily prior to the big night, so they don’t get stupid drunk. I had a friend whose wedding included a bridesmaid in a wheelchair (yes, really) because she got so drunk at the bachelorette pub crawl that she fell down a flight of stairs and broke both legs and cracked a hip as well, if I recall. Pub crawls are great, but so is renting a huge hotel suite with plenty of places to crash, safely. And make sure to confiscate everyone’s keys. And smart phones. Bachelor(ette) parties are like fight club and the first rule is you don’t talk about fight club… and that means you damn sure don’t post anything to Facebook or have any evidence whatsoever.

Of course, if I am wrong about any of these, please refer to the millions, seriously millions of brides magazines currently on the market that I’m sure will set you straight. I’m sure there are frilly, girly responsibilities too, but as for those things, well, I’m a dude.