Statistically speaking, more proposals happen over the holidays than any other time of the year. And sometimes, that proposal may not be met with open arms or an open heart. This unexpected turn might even be public with all eyes staring at you awaiting your answer. What to do? 

Popping the question seems like such an archaic, gendered ritual and we may wonder why it is still important in our society. Everyone wants to know how he “did it… did he get down on one knee?” The one knee may be the sign that you need to do some quick thinking, but it’s bettered to always be prepared, even for those times when you “didn’t see it coming.” 

To him, you are the marrying kind. And it’s no surprise that while many women often blindly think that they can change a man, some men might blindly think that you love him that way. Maybe you do love him, but there might be multiple reasons why you aren’t ready now, or never.  You may not want to get married for personal reasons: you’ve been married before and once is enough, your parents had a bad marriage and you vowed never to go there, you want to focus on your career, you’re not ready to settle down, you don’t want marriage to “change” how good the relationship is, etc. All good reasons and enough to say no. You might also see red flags in your relationship and until they are addressed, you don’t want to commit in that way. Or, the hardest for him to take, you love him, but not in that way. 

Saying No to Marriage

This man has just put himself on the line and honesty and gentle firmness are required here. If it is in front of friends and family, you have to suck it up and say the no now. You can’t say yes, just to pull him aside later and say no. Don’t let yourself be swept up in the romance of the moment. Think this through seriously if this moment is not one you have fantasized in your head over and over with this man. It may be the easy way out for now, but it’s not fair to him. Don’t say yes because you worry that no one may ever ask you this again. And if this is something that you two have not implicitly discussed before, nothing requires you to accept a proposal. Even famously in Austen and Bronte novels when whole family fates depended upon yeses, those girls still had a right to say no and did. 

Your first sentence is going to be very important because by now with the pause and the look in your eyes, he’s starting to worry he’s going to be denied. Think of something positive to say such as “I am so honored that you have proposed to me…you are the sweetest, most wonderful man.” Then follow it up immediately with the honest answer of why you can’t marry him.  And if this is a dealbreaker moment where you know this will lead to your breaking up, meaning you don’t feel that way about him, don’t make the horrible mistake I’ve seen time and time again on The Bachelor/Bachelorette by saying something stupid like “the right girl is out there for you.” In this moment they think you are the right girl. Let them just process that. 

Don’t go into too much detail. Just bullet points such as you’re not ready to settle down right now or after your divorce you never wanted to put yourself in that position again, etc.  If there is hope in the future that you may be ready for this big step, then let him know. If you need a day or two to think about it, let him know. Or if there are things the two of you need to resolve before you get there, plan to have that talk at another time. But by no means should you lead him to believe otherwise if you do not reciprocate his feelings towards you in that big step.

Then there’s a whole other scenario. If the man has half-assed the proposal, like asking after you’ve just made love, or on a particularly spectacular date and spur of the moment he just blurts it out, you can tell him that you feel the same way and it’s definitely the step you want to take with him, but let him know you want to start the marriage right and that means a proper proposal with a ring and all. Make a teasing joke out of it… “Is this the story you want me to tell your mother because you know she’s going to ask?”  He’ll get the point. 

Lastly, don’t forget to thank him. After all, he may have gone to great lengths to plan this evening and chances are he won’t be making such a grand gesture to many women in his life. This is flattering and you should feel that way and let him know with true appreciation. Let him know how sad you are that you cannot give him the answer he wants at this time or possibly ever. Let him know his value to you and how you never want to hurt him. Ask him how you can help him to deal with this, and other than turning your no into a yes, try to follow through.

After all is said and done, all you can give the man is the time and space that he needs to regroup, heal or for the two of you to figure out next steps. And if you do love him, tell him so.

Here’s hoping that the proposal you get is the one you truly want.