Last week, I was sitting at our big round conference table with two women who recently started working for the company. As I was about to begin writing, our new marketing director—a savvy woman in her late twenties—politely began to ask me about my love life. As I responded to her queries, I noticed that the second woman—a longtime student of mine—was listening too. Both these women are my favorite kind of woman. The one who starts off not knowing what it is that she wants. Who then owns her desire, but doesn’t believe she’ll ever actually get it. Who then proceeds to get everything she wants and more—and then has no idea how to have it.

I love this kind of woman because she is me. Or I was her, back before I made a crucial transition. A rite of passage I began to explain to my two young friends that day. The transformation from princess into queen.

It’s hard for men to admit and harder still for women to believe, but deep down what men want most is a woman to worship. But not just any kind of woman. A woman worthy of a crown. You don’t get a crown by sitting back waiting for power to come to you. You don’t get it by subtly complaining when it doesn’t. You acquire your crown by taking initiative. By turning yourself into a self-generating source of power, love, and compassion. It’s not that hard; these are the qualities women naturally bring to a relationship. But to give them freely? Without complaint? To take responsibility for holding their men in love? The only way to do that is to give up three beliefs that keep many would-be queens trapped in the role of princess.

1. That any man can control you. I often hear women say “Oh, my husband would never support me doing that.” Often they’re talking about learning the Orgasmic Meditation practice, or even taking one of our entry-level classes on desire. What a great way to stop said desire dead in its tracks. Letting go of the thought that he can—or even would—try to stop you is the first step toward Queenship. Letting go of the safety net of male control isn’t a feminist move. It’s merely taking responsibility for your desires and your life as a whole. It’s owning the truth: that there’s no one in the driver’s seat but you.

2. That any man can save you. One of the most common reasons women walk in the door at OneTaste is to find a boyfriend. “I would just be happier if I had a boyfriend,” they tell me. All I can say is that it doesn’t work. Trust me. Looking to your husband or partner as the source of your happiness—not to mention the sole provider of approval, turn-on, and love—is a recipe for disappointment. Princesses think in such finite terms. Queens, on the other hand, know that their own internal resources are infinite. The knight-in-shining-armor story can be a fun game to play, but what happens once you’re “saved?” Personally I don’t want to be stashed away in somebody’s tower. I want to tread the raw landscape of my life on my own two feet. If I’m saved from my feelings, fears, and mood swings, I miss out on the juicy wrestle of opposing forces in my very own heart.

3. That any man can please you. “My relationship is so dull lately,” a friend said to me recently. “I wish he would plan something fun.” As if it’s up to him to figure out how to please you. A Queen requests her desires; she doesn’t sit back waiting for him to read her mind about which particular restaurant she wants him to remember her mentioning five months ago that she wanted to have her birthday dinner. Men want to worship, they want to serve, but creation is our work. We must create the men we want to stand next to in the world. It is our job to support them in being successful. If you ask for a dinner date, be specific. Give him the phone number for God’s sake! Together the two of you will have to run enough gauntlets in your relationship—why add fuel to the fire? When he succeeds, celebrate. When he misses the mark, ask again and be even more specific so he can get it right the next time.

A word to the men. There is a tendency for men to hear these three steps the wrong way. I am not suggesting that women don’t need men. I am not implying that men are less-than. You cannot imagine how much I love men. I would not stand in this place without their support. But I didn’t get here by waiting for it. I didn’t get here by blaming you for all the ways you didn’t give me what I wanted. I let my desire lead. I felt the inflow of inspiration and then shared the wealth. I let my cup overflow.

So I will say to you what I said to my friends that day in the OneTaste office. There is no need to be a drama queen. There is no need to raise your voice. There is no need to point to your crown and demand it be worshiped. It can simply be worn. Worn with the dignity with which you earned it. The keys to the kingdom are in your own hand. What are you waiting for?

Are you ready to make the transition? Tell me your tales of princesses and queens.

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Nicole Daedone (nicoledaedone.com) is a speaker, teacher, and author who has spent her groundbreaking career redefining orgasm from a woman’s point of view. Starting with her fundamental belief that a woman’s sex is her power, she treats supposedly taboo subjects with unparalleled humor, intelligence, and insight. Nicole is the author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm and founder of OneTaste.us.

Check out the Valentine’s Day Specials OneTaste has to offer weBEgirls readers:

• Improve your Sex Life with OM $39.97 – a 7 Piece Media Package. OM (Orgasmic Meditation) is the most potent way to begin experiencing the type of Orgasm we speak of. It is the ignition to connection, the thing that sparks intimacy, and a practice that will alter the way you look at orgasm. Thousands of people around the world are discovering the benefits of OM.
• Valentine’s Day Retreat $1,495.00 per couple – this San Francisco retreat will help you as a couple learn the practice of OM. You will begin to get to know each other again – the kind of knowing that connects the two of you. Through lively instruction, experiential exercises, and private time to explore the teachings as a couple.
• InGroup $10.00 - is an evening workshop of play and turned-on living (the PG-13 kind). Through humor, joy, approval and connection, you will experience “hot-seat salon”, learn what it’s like to be present with those around you and play our famous, Inside-Out game