No one devalues the importance of the health of body, mind, and soul, but I find that the mind isn’t given as much special treatment as it deserves. Both understimulation and overstimulation can cause such things as depression, loss of interest, and anxiety.

That’s why I cannot stress enough the importance of having an activity that both stimulates and relaxes you. It can be anything from reading, writing, jogging, knitting, beading, woodwork, and even just a nice hot bath where you can sit, soak, and have a little time to think.

These days, most people rush around working themselves to the bone or partying to the brink of collapse, so there are few running slowly enough to appreciate what life has to offer. Every day, you should set apart at least twenty minutes to go for a walk, catch up on your favorite soap opera, work on your hobbies, or just sit back and take a nap.

In fifth grade, our science teacher told us that we were to set aside half an hour every day for the next two weeks to relax because everyone was so stressed out about middle school, even though it was three months away. Of course, I told my parents that half an hour was actually an hour, and allowed two weeks to become the three most peaceful months I’ve ever spent at my house. I got out of so many chores because every time my mom asked me to do anything, my teacher magically made up a rule against it for those two or three hours. Oops, did I say two or three? I meant four. Or at least that’s what I told my parents.

This is still a rule I abide by today, only now, every hour and a half, I get to spend fifteen minutes doing whatever I want. I have noticed that in the days where I don’t follow that guideline, I’m a lot more stressed and get a lot less done than on the days when I take breaks.
These breaks are extremely important because our brains have difficulty when working nonstop for hours and hours. You should only work for an hour and a half, then give yourself and your very tired brain a much deserved rest.

Just as overstimulation can cause stress, understimulation can cause depression. We need to have something to think about, plan for, to do, and look forward to. We need challenges in life; we can’t have everything handed to us on a silver platter or the relaxed mind that we all strive for will become more of a prison than a haven. Do a puzzle during your breaks, play Scrabble, read an interesting book. Don’t let your brain become too soft! We all crave challenges, so find some; there are plenty.

No matter what you’re doing, your mind is constantly at work. Let it do something that it wants to do for a few short minutes every day, and watch your stress and attitude dissolve and reveal a much more fun and relaxed you. For example, now that I’ve written the minimum requirements for this article, I’m going to take a nice break and pretend like final exams are NOT hanging over my head like the blade of a guillotine.

Wedding season approaches, and with it costly weddings, especially when they include travel. With inward groans, we get those acquaintances or distant relative invites and wonder, what is the proper etiquette? Do we really have to go?

There are all sorts of reasons to not go: financial burden, a past friend who wants to rekindle a closeness that isn’t reciprocated, relatives that know you won’t come but may want your gift or you simply have a prior engagement that falls on the same date. Maybe you are going through a bad breakup or divorce and feel that emotionally you’re not in a good space for a wedding. The relief comes in knowing you can say no.

When To Say No

Elaine Swann, a lifestyle and etiquette expert, advises, “I would say you definitely can say no to coworkers that you don’t have a terribly close relationship with, childhood or college friends that you have not been in contact with for years. Also, individuals that you just don’t know well – say, for example, individuals who you may both be members of a professional or volunteer organization.”

Ms. Swann adds, “My advice would be in trying to make the decision, gauge how well you know the person. And it may not be how much time you spend with them, because we spend a lot of time with co-workers; it’s more about your relationship and how close you are.”

Saying no to relatives may be a little trickier. According to Ms. Swann, “If it’s a distant relative, you can say no. If it’s a relative that lives out of state and you haven’t spent time with them in years, you can say no. If you’re fighting and you haven’t resolved your issue enough to be cordial at the wedding, it’s my advice to bow out and say no.”

Most wedding etiquette states that you can respond ‘no’ and nothing else is required of you. The polite thing for the bride and groom, if you’ve declined their invitation, is for them to not challenge your RSVP, but not everyone is polite. “Prior commitment”, “plans you can’t break” or “previous engagement” are all good phrases to toss out. Try not to go into the little white lie territory or you may find yourself weaving more lies.

If the person presses for more of an answer, don’t be rude, just stick with telling them that it’s impossible for you to attend. Remember, the more specific you are with obstacles, the more the bride or groom may try to come up with solutions. Put your loveliest smile on your face and let them know that you look forward to seeing the pictures from the wedding and that you wish them all the happiness on their special day and all the days to follow.

Formal R.S.V.P.s

Most wedding invites will include a formal R.S.V.P. card to which you can check no. That might be enough, but if you know the person well, you might want to include a short, hand-written note of regret that you can’t attend and a brief explanation why, i.e. a previous engagement. Add a few words of congratulations and you should be set.

Gifts…To Send Or Not To Send

According to the Emily Post Institute, purveyors of all things etiquette, “Guests invited to the wedding have an obligation to send a gift, whether they are attending or not.” There are some exceptions. If the wedding is far away and you’ve “been out of touch with the couple for several years, and are not planning to attend…there’s no need to send a gift.” The Institute also instructs, “Another myth: guests have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift. Not so. Gifts should be sent before the wedding.”

Ms. Swann adds another reason for no gift: “Financial hardship–you are not required to give a gift.” The same holds true for attending a wedding when it might break the bank – “If you are having a financial hardship and you cannot go, say it’s a destination wedding or out of state, be honest and say this is not a good time for you financially…and do follow up with a card that would wish them well. And the reason I say be honest is, people really do understand in these economic times when you say it’s really tough. They are less apt to hold you to it.” Consider this–the average cost just to attend a wedding is $611.00. Travel, meals and drinks before or after, wedding present, an appropriate dress with accessories all do add up. That’s quite a chunk of change.

It’s good to keep in mind that you will not be the only one who can’t attend. For the bride and groom who are watching their pocket book, your no just might be as much a relief to them as to you.

Image via Weddingbee

You know that moment when you run into an old love? Not just someone you used to sorta date, but THE one…emotions come quickly, making you confuse strong memories with thinking you still love them or should be with them, swiftly followed by the flood of pain and hurt. Images of your life with them play out before your eyes and in your heart all over again. Seeing a past love is like seeing a ghost.

I have one old flame that has haunted me off and on for the past six or so years since we finally broke up. I craved him like heroin; Even though I know he was bad for me, I just couldn’t stay away, because when I was with him, it felt like we were euphorically one with the cosmos. And when he wasn’t around, it was the worst come down you could ever imagine … the pain was unbearable (not that I’ve ever done heroin, but this is what the movies make it seem like). But I did it anyway. I’ve spent many hours in anguish and heartbreak over this past love … confusing the memories with the reality. Confusing the rush with true love.

But it wasn’t true love … at least not my definition and understanding of true love today. And I had a profound experience the other day which really let me see this when, by a funny little trick of what I’ll call fate, my current love got to meet my past love.

It is such a surreal experience to witness the guy who, up until this point, has been the man I considered to be the love of my life meet the man who is, now, unequivocally, the love of my life. I thought I saw him out of the corner of my eye but figured it was just a look-alike. I hoped it wasn’t him. The heat started to rise in my body. The shakes started to overtake me. It was him. Quick, what should I do? Ignore him? Run? Hide behind a bush? No, I couldn’t. I would be a grownup and hopefully my ex and my boyfriend would all be grownups too. Hopefully we could all just get along.

And we did. Or at least we pretended we did. But I’m not gonna lie. It was awkward. The moment when the man that at one point in my life I thought I was going to marry jokingly asked me “so, where’s your hubby? …” The moment of recognition when my man now realized who it was I was introducing him to … the ONE I had told him about. I wouldn’t have wanted to be in his shoes. But he was cool … even when a moth dive bombed on his shoulder and died there, perhaps in a suicide mission of solidarity. (I nonchalantly picked the dead insect off of his shoulder and placed it on a nearby table). It was fine, it was civil, it was done.

Once the shock wore off, an amazing feeling of peace and calm overtook me. I was standing beside the only two guys I have ever loved that intensely and passionately. Trippy. But I think this happened so I can see that I am now exactly where I’m supposed to be. There is no need to wonder, there is no “what if” anymore with my ex.

My definition of love, my definition of the “one” has changed over time since being with him. I think this happened so I could see that all of the heartache was worth it, because it’s gotten me to the place of truly being able to be with the “one.” Of getting to the place where all the agony and tears and confusion turned into a process of self-discovery, self-growth and self-empowerment, where I learned that you can’t be with the “one” until you are whole and complete and ONE with yourself.

It was ten years ago when I met my ex-love. And my understanding of love and partnership has grown and changed since then. I have grown and changed since then. What I wanted then and what I thought a partnership was is completely different from now. Standing there, in between these two men, I got to see two different versions of myself … I got to see how far I’ve evolved — from a woman expressing neediness to a woman with sovereignty over herself. From a woman who placed all of her value and validation in being in a relationship to a woman who feels validated now by just being who she is, with the relationship being the result of her self-worth — not it’s source.

I can truly go forward now with gratitude for our memories and for what we learned and experienced with each other, but knowing that the love we had is a different level of love than the love that today I understand and am capable of. Now, I am able to go forward with my current love, free from the hold of the ghost, and build from a foundation that’s pure. I am able to go forward, free from the hold of the past, without a doubt in my mind that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be with exactly who I’m supposed to be with.

We all have pasts … we all have ghosts. But we must differentiate between the ghost and the memory. We can carry the memories, lessons, and experiences with us, owning what we learned from past loves and acknowledging how they helped shape who we are today without carrying the ghost with us. It is not until we can separate the person from the memory that we will cease being haunted.

—

In addition to being a writer, Holly teaches weekly intenSati fitness classes in Los Angeles (think aerobics amped up with yelled positive affirmations and fat-busting, calorie-burning moves), and Reiki Healing classes for Weight Loss, to Health Professionals, and to other Healers. She is a Certified Reiki Master Healer, Certified Natural Health Professional, and Certified Fitness Teacher who opened a healing practice, Couture for the Soul, in Santa Monica, CA in 2006. There she worked with individuals with cancer, as well as those suffering from all types of physical and emotional ailments. She now focuses on sharing the tools, energy, and inspiration for personal empowerment through writing and teaching. www.hollysidell.com

I’m about to admit something that will risk my reputation as a stylish woman. But too bad…I simply have to pay tribute to a hair accessory that in my opinion has gotten a bad rap.

Ladies, I’m talking about the Scrunchie.

WAIT. Before you wrinkle your nose, hear me out here.

The Scrunchie came back into my life during a recent trip to the beauty supply when I spied a lonely little basket of them off in a corner. As if being pushed by a force greater than myself, I picked one up and put it in my basket. Why? Maybe I was reliving my college days, when I had a head of large curly hair most 80’s hair bands would kill for. Maybe I was just having a bad hair day. Who knows.

At the register the salesgirl flashed me a look… so I looked back at her like “don’t judge me honey, you’re the one selling them.” Two dollars later, a little bundle of black fabric filled with elastic was mine.

That evening while washing my face, I grabbed it and twisted my long hair up into a wonderfully messy bun and had a hair epiphany. They’re soft, don’t pull your strands and as any girl with long tresses will tell you, are the greatest for quickly getting your hair off your face and neck.

I’ll let you in on another secret – it is the ultimate tool for preserving a good blow out. Tie your hair loosely on top of your head while you sleep and not only will you not wake up with “dent head” your hair will have great volume.

It’s practical and comfortable, yet nobody wants to wear one in public. It’s like a fanny pack for your head.

I think the social stigma was solidified when Carrie in Sex and the City dissed Berger for having his main female character wear one in his book. Still, Carrie admitted to wearing one while washing her face at night…hmph. Ironically, all it would have taken was her wearing one down 5th avenue to make it a fashion sensation.

So there – my un-hip little hair secret is out in cyber space for all to see…but I feel a weight has been lifted. And even though I have no plans to purchase one to match every outfit, I KNOW there are other women out there with one sitting in their drawer they can’t part with. If so now is the time to come clean –

Hi, I’m Julie, and I own a Scrunchie.

Hi Julie…

Top image of Catherine Zeta Jones wearing a scrunchie via babble.com

Dear John,
My boyfriend is an all around man’s man. Nothing metrosexual about him. He acts like a man, talks like a real man and eats like one. That’s one of the things I love about him! But lately, he’s eating like an anorexic supermodel. He says he’s just trying to bulk up and look good. Where did my man’s man go?
- Where’s Waldo?

Dear WW,
I’m so old that I remember when only women had negative body issues and worried about being “beach ready.” These days, there’s more and more acceptance of the female body as is (though, much room for improvement exists) and there’s an increasing level of pressure on men to look like bodybuilders, male models and super heros (or at least the actors who play them in summer block busters).

Men know that even Playboy Playmates don’t look like that in real life, but women don’t seem to get the message about their beefy male equivalents. People always assume male atheltes who make sudden and dramatic physical transformations are on HGH, steroids or other performance enhancing drugs but what about scrawny actors who suddenly put on 30 pounds of muscle for a movie role? You’re trying to tell me they all do that the natural way? Mmm…probably not so much. I imagine HGH is just as prevalent in image obsessed Hollywood as anywhere else.

And women lose their shit over these shirtless vampires all of which have huge bulging muscles and chiseled six packs. Apparently, being undead doesn’t mean you don’t hit the gym. A lot. Not needing sleep gives you more time to work on your abs I suppose.

Perhaps he’s feeling a lot of pressure to get into or get back into shape. Maybe you two have some vacation planned to somewhere tropical and he doesn’t want to look like a fat sitcom husband in those infamous vacation photos that everyone loves posting on facebook. Maybe you asked him to lose a few pounds or maybe he saw you drooling over one of those vampires a little too much and now he’s doing things to look like one. If you want him to be beefy, don’t be surprised if he’s not eating anything fun or eating like a monk. That’s the price you pay to look like that. But either way talk to him about it.

Dear John,
What’s the best drink for summer get togethers? I want to drink and have fun, but aren’t all of those drinks just going to give me the freshman fifteen? I’m a little old for that.
- Freshman Fifteen Plus

Dear FFP,
Yes, most of them are bad for you, from the diet perspective. Beer goes straight to your butt, thighs or wherever you store fat. Anything with soda is kind of sweet too and as a result not so great. A little vodka and cranberry never hurt anyone, but there are plenty of drink options that are out there that work if you do a little digging (whatever happened to the white wine spritzer?), and yesterday our editor just posted a healthy alternative to the margarita with fresh lime juice and agave nectar. And then if that fails there’s always water. No one’s going to know what you’re drinking in that little red solo cup.

We are, as a nation, on the brink of a great change in our public education system…and hardly anyone outside of the field of education is talking about it. Forty-five states have already adopted a new common curriculum for students in K-12, with the remaining five probably to adopt it soon. It is called the Common Core State Standards Initiative, and is a bi-partisan project with support from some very interesting and very diverse backers. Here are the basics:

What They Say

“The Common Core State Standards Initiative is a state-led effort coordinated by the National Governors Association Center for Best Practices (NGA Center) and the Council of Chief State School Officers (CCSSO)…

The standards are informed by the highest, most effective models from states across the country and countries around the world, and provide teachers and parents with a common understanding of what students are expected to learn. Consistent standards will provide appropriate benchmarks for all students, regardless of where they live.

These standards define the knowledge and skills students should have within their K-12 education careers so that they will graduate high school able to succeed in entry-level, credit-bearing academic college courses and in workforce training programs (boldface mine).”

What I Think

I find that, first of all, they are structured better than the California Content Standards are, and that information is easier to find – simply more intuitive. As a teacher, I appreciated the explanations and caveats provided at the beginning of the document, especially the “What is Not Covered by the Standards” section and “Myths vs. Facts” tab on the website.

Secondly, references to “texts from around the world” (finally!) and “knotty topics such as fractions” (because really, who didn’t struggle with fractions?) give me hope that these standards are at least a bit more current and relevant than the other state standards.

However, there are undoubtedly questions to be raised about the origins and purposes of a common national curriculum, which is what this is, despite their efforts to claim otherwise (which they do in order to avoid legal trouble, as the United States Constitution prohibits a national curriculum). While some believe that it was undesirable that the Core came from a diverse political background, I don’t see that. If anything, it’s incredible that such a diverse set of backers could have given their partisan finger wagging a rest long enough to write anything together.

I do see some of the points, however, of the opponents of the Core as explained in the article, “Closing the Door on Innovation: Why a National Curriculum is Bad for America.” For one, many of the models we have of national curricula (including my dear old France, whose education system I experienced as a child in San Francisco) are in countries far smaller than the United States, which can present a challenge in terms of making that standardized curriculum appropriate and relevant to everyone. On the other hand, these standards make no pretense of being a complete list of everything that should be taught, nor does it even provide a recommended book list. In a sense, it is no different than each state’s standards, if (like California’s), they are really a suggestion and not a prescription.

Teachers I have spoken to are hopeful about this initiative, but have some reservations; will states provide new materials and training in order to help teachers and students reach these goals? Will budgets allow for it?

What do you think? Is this a move in the right direction?

Visit www.corestandards.org for more information.

Forget Skinnygirl loaded with chemicals, this recipe adapted from Sunset Magazine is sweetened with agave nectar (which you can get at your local Trader Joe’s) and is one of the freshest, best margaritas you will ever taste. I made these this past weekend for a pool party and everybody loved them!

Serves 1

Ingredients:
1 tablespoon agave nectar
1 tablespoon water
1 tablespoon Cointreau or Grand Marnier
1/4 cup agave tequila
2 limes, freshly squeezed

Method:
Combine in a cocktail shaker the agave nectar and water.  Stir together.  Add the Cointreau or Grand Marnier, tequila, fresh squeezed lime juice and ice.  Shake and serve in a glass rimmed with salt.  For a pitcher, just quadruple (or more) the recipe.

Add a  lime wedge for garnish and salud!

A Look at Some May Women’s Magazines

I cannot believe May is nearly halfway over. Where does the time go? Why does it have to go so fast? And as one moves closer to summer things seems to accelerate. There are barbecues to barbecue at, beaches to beach at, garden parties to garden at – at least I hear that people do that kind of thing, you can usually find me in front of the air conditioner reading a magazine.

Marie Claire grabs me with the headline “Get Out of Your Own Way Are You Holding Yourself Back” I know I hold myself back, mainly because I’m certifiably lazy. I’m not joking. I have a certificate and everything as a graduate of Lazy U (Go Sloths!). Anyway, the article implores you to examine your own behavior for why you get passed over for a promotion or why you aren’t in a successful relationship. There is an enlightening quote from Heidi Grant Havorson about how we can look past our own flaws that others can see so clearly: ‘You have access to so much information that others don’t, like your past experiences, your beliefs about your own abilities, your fears and insecurities. All the extra data affects your interpretation of what you do – so self-defeating behaviors make more sense and seem more reasonable to you.’ The article advises to look for a pattern of setbacks in your life. You should also ask others for feedback on how you behave and be willing to listen, don’t find excuses the moment they start telling you what could be wrong. It was actually an enlightening article and I recommend it to anyone who feels they are their own worst enemy.

Bethenny Frankel wears an orange and white striped dress with hot pink stilettos on the cover of Self. She looks nice. The outfit looks awful. “Frankly Bethenny On How To Get What You Really Want” is the headline. In Bethenny’s case the answer would be: come up with a toxic chemical concoction, give it a name that plays on women’s insecurities while still being catchy, and sell your company for a lot of money. Unfortunately, the only thing close to Skinnygirl I can come up with is EmaciatedLassie which I admit lacks the punch of Skinnygirl so I won’t be able to follow Frankel’s career path. I turn to the article to discover Bethenny’s secrets for getting what I really want. The first thing I learn is Bethenny has a novel coming out. Fantastic, I’m sure that will compete with The Handmaid’s Tale in the women’s canon. The article doesn’t appear to give us any tips on getting what we want but we are treated to Frankel’s advice such as ‘never wear balloon pants’ or ‘send thank you cards’ or ‘eat good stuff’ or ‘do the plank pose.’ Thanks Bethenny, I can feel my dreams coming true all ready.

Shape has Mariah Carey with her thumbs in the tops of her white diaper looking bikini bottom. I am so tired of the thumbs in the top of the pants photograph. At least Ms. Carey has the good sense not to actually pull the bottom down an inch like so many C list celebrities do thinking it makes them look sexy. I suppose if you’re on the cover of Maxim it’s to be expected but this is Shape. Why are Mariah’s thumbs in her diaper? “Instant Energy Real-Life Tips to Try Today” gives us five women and their secrets to being super-energetic. ‘Ride a stationary bike during lunch’ one woman tells us. She does not tell us if we’re supposed to be chomping down on our burrito while eating or if we’re supposed to forego lunch. My guess, however, is forego food. Another woman says ‘I sleep at least nine hours a night.’ Did you ever happen to think that that is maybe why you are SUPER-ENERGETIC! Who gets nine hours of sleep?! Soledad O’Brien gives the real secret to super energy ‘I always down a double shot of espresso with steamed milk.’ “Walk Your Way Slim” interests me because I really love to walk. I find it very liberating plus I get some of my best ideas while out strolling. Shape has a walking plan for you that involves walking at a moderate pace, than walking really fast and then moderate and then really fast and …. well, I think you get the picture. In fact, I think you could have written the exercise plan yourself.

Elle has a now blonde Rihanna on the cover. I’m sure I’m in the minority here but while I think Rihanna looks beautiful in film/video, I don’t think she takes great still shots. Just my opinion, don’t shoot me – and please don’t shoot Rihanna anymore with an SLR. In Rihanna’s defense, the hideous Versace studded nightmare she’s wearing doesn’t help. “The Best Jeans For Every Shape” intrigues as what women isn’t looking for the most flattering cut of jeans? I turn to the article expecting advice such as ‘the boot cut is for you if your body is blah blah blah’ but instead it’s …. it’s … well it’s quite frankly awful. If you have a moment in your busy day, find an Elle and turn to page 188 and try not to shield your eyes from the ugliest display of denim you will ever see. It is frightening how atrocious these clothes look. No model wears them, which quite frankly, may have made them more appealing, they’re just laid out there for you to digest and hopefully not regurgitate. Feast your eyes on the dumpy drawstring ‘sportif jeans’ or the childlike rompers or the should-be-burned denim vests or the god awful shorts or the maxi skirts that look like they’ll be bought up by the Quiverfull faithful. Just a scary display. I can’t help but imagine someone looking at these items fifty years from now and thinking ‘wow they liked that garbage?’ No, no we didn’t.

Scarlett Johannson graces the cover of Vogue. Johannson to me is like Rihanna, much better in moving film than still shot. She’s lovely but the photos here are average if not downright awful. The thing is I don’t necessarily blame her. I will now write something that may be controversial (as far as something like this statement can be controversial) but I think Vogue needs to part ways with photographer Mario Testino. The Johannson layout is dull, clichéd (Johannson in a throwback to Hollywood Jean Harlow glamour – how original!) and not flattering. There is one photo worth seeking out if you need a giggle. It shows Johannson with her front leg kicked out, her arms outstretched, a big smile on her face like we’ve caught her in the middle of doing the Charleston. It is just awful. Nothing spontaneous about it, you can almost hear the click of the camera. What is good in this month’s Vogue is the hair. Check out Stella Tennant with her crazy cropped short do in “Shock Value,’ Joan Smalls with a glorious mane to rival Diana Ross in ‘Short Order’ and Arizona Muse with her mad lopped off insane asylum hair in another piece.

June is up next. Summer hear we come! See you next month!

With hectic schedules and large lives, it’s still the simple things about being a mom that makes this day special to celebrities too. Tops on their list–sleep, massages and hanging with the kids:

“With touring and being on the road so much, it’s just a treat to be at home…we’ll probably cook up a batch of Wyatt’s [son] favorite zucchini muffins, which he calls ‘keenie’ muffins.”
– Sheryl Crow

“My Mother’s Day present of choice would be to have a chef come to my home for a week and teach me how to prepare fresh vegan foods.”
– Elisabeth Röhm, Law & Order

“Quality (fun!) time with my daughters . . . and a 15 min back scratch/massage!”
– Katie Couric

“10 freaking hours of sleep! (In a row)”
– Gwyneth Paltrow

“Caudalie Vinothérapie Spa, which uses grapes and wine in their treatments.” And lunch at Via Quadronno in New York City of “panini sandwiches and vanilla and chocolate ice cream.”
– Kelly Rutherford

“My Mother’s Day yummy wish would be for take-in from my favorite vegan restaurant in Los Angeles, Real Food Daily…in my fuzzy slippers”
– Mayim Bialy

“Mother’s Day is usually really low-key in my house…I usually get the creamy burrata and prosciutto as an appetizer for the table to share, and I splurge on one of their fantastic pasta dishes and a great bottle of wine.”
– Michelle Branch

“Maybe I will get to sleep in a little bit. It’s on a Sunday right? So I do get to sleep in a little later on a Sunday anyway, but my kids usually make me a little breakfast, and they make a menu, and they don’t let me come downstairs. They get a little help. I feel like the best gift — and this is having a 10-year-old and 7-year-old who tend to fight a little bit — is no fighting, no yelling, no tears, no drama. A couple laughs are good, and that will make me happy.”
– Christine Taylor (wife of Ben Stiller)

Happy Mother’s Day!

An oldie but goodie…originally written in 1915 and the song is titled “Mother”:

M Is for the Many things she gave me,
O Means only that she’s growing Old.
T Is for the Tears she shed to save me,
H Is for her Heart of purest gold.
E Is for her Eyes with love light shining,
R Means Right and Right she’ll always be.

Put them all together, They spell MOTHER.
A word that means the world to me.

Let us know what your mother means to you today!

Mother’s day is coming. Tomorrow. You already bought your gift, right? Oh, you didn’t. Hmm. That’s going to go well, won’t it? Yeah, I didn’t think so, but it made you feel better, right? Now that we’ve got that over with, here are some great ideas to meet your last minute mother’s day gift giving needs.

Brunch/Lunch/Dinner

If you have the “advantage” of living in the same city as your mom (or close to her), you can make a day of it. You can take her out to a meal, somewhere she really likes if you’re lucky (as reservations may be needed) or somewhere new that you “think she might like” (if you can’t get a table at her favorite spot) . Work with what you have. If you live near a beach, take her there. Or do a picnic at a park, take her to a museum, something like that. Work with your budget and time constraints, not against them.

Flowers & Chocolate

Some stereotypes are true: chicks dig flowers and chocolate. In other news, water is wet. If you don’t live in the same town as your mom, it doesn’t matter. You can call up a florist in your area, whip out your credit card and presto! Your mom has her gift and she doesn’t know you procrastinated! There are also the various websites that sell flowers too, but you may not be able to get same day delivery or delivery on such short notice, but you might be able to as well, so do your homework!

Spa Day

Women love massages. They love being pampered, and slowing down. This especially important for mothers who start worrying and obsessing over every aspect of your existence the second you are conceived and they don’t stop until, well, you bury them. Sad, I know. On multiple levels. Spa gifts are great, because you can call up the spa seconds before you meet your mom for brunch or before you call her to wish her a happy mother’s day and you pay them and your mom just goes in and enjoys! It doesn’t get much easier and it’s a pretty clear no brainer gift giving idea.

Steve Jobs

He is either God or the anti-Christ, depending on who you are or who you talk to. You can’t deny the sexiness or simplicity of his products (regardless of the less than desirable nature of Apple’s business practices). If you can afford to, you can always buy your mom an iPad, and then you won’t ever have to worry about her harassing you or worrying about you, because if you buy her one, you’ll never see or hear from her again. Those things are crack. Even if you hate Apple or computers in general.

Gift Cards

If all else fails and/or your mother is impossible to shop for like mine is (though she will never, ever admit it. Ever.) You can get gift cards. You can get them anywhere, and many websites allow you to purchase them on line and they simple email your mom (if she’s into that) and let her know she has money to burn!

“Wow, that’s risky.” We’ve all said this before, and it’s usually considered a bad thing. However, I have decided that taking risks is not a bad thing. Obviously, going skydiving without a parachute is a risk not worth taking–that’s a negative risk, but there are plenty of positive risks that can turn into an amazing experience.

Last summer, I had the opportunity to go to camp in Vermont for two months. Not only would I miss my entire summer at home, but also I had to go on a 16-day canoe trip. In the past I thought my friends were crazy for going…and the next thing I knew, I was moving into my tent at camp. OK, that’s an exaggeration. To make the decision I made a pro and con list, talked to my counselor and talked to people who had gone on the trip in earlier years. I discovered, much to my surprise, that nobody had gotten seriously injured and everyone said that it was worth it. I had imagined hell but what they were describing sounded almost…fun.

Maybe it was a reasonable risk. But it was still a risk. In the past I didn’t take risks because there was the chance of failure, and failure is never an option. But I honestly had a life-changing experience on my trip. I know, it’s cliché, but it’s true. I won’t lie, it was incredibly challenging–from the mile long canoe carry up a hill, to cooking dinner for 16 nights over a fire, to being pushed backwards by winds no matter how hard you paddled. But the experience was absolutely worth it. Positive risks allow us to conquer fears, open ourselves up to new experiences, feel more powerful in life and learn a little more about ourselves. I proved to myself that I could carry a canoe for a mile, cook a Mexican feast over a campfire, and push on when I was ready to give up. I learned so many things about nature, friendship, and myself. Nothing makes you open up to people more than being stuck in a canoe with them for eight hours.

When we got back to camp, it wasn’t an instantaneous change. I didn’t declare myself to be a different person; I actually thought that I had failed. I felt exactly the same. I had obviously done something wrong, skipped a vital step that triggered the life changing “POW!”

But the way I view life has changed, and I didn’t realize it until I settled back into my routine at home. I had learned that risks are worth taking, because you can have amazing experiences and meet amazing people that wouldn’t be in your life if you had decided to play it safe. So yes, positive and reasonable risks are worth it. It could have been two months where I just got big muscles and shorts tans. Two months is a tiny amount of time in the span of my life. So even if I had hated it, I would have had the rest of my life to find something that I loved. But I didn’t hate it and I now understand the benefits of taking a chance.

Dear Case,
Last weekend, my boyfriend and I went on a double date with my dearest friend and her boyfriend. While my boyfriend and my friend were chatting in the living room, I went to get drinks in the kitchen and my friends’ boyfriend, “Sly” followed me. I caught him looking at my ass, and then when grabbing the drinks, he ogled my cleavage. It made me considerably uncomfortable, so I covered up with my boyfriend’s jacket the rest of the night. I mentioned this incident to my boyfriend and he is upset. Now my friend keeps asking us to all hang out again and my boyfriend and I are stuck in the middle, feeling awkward. Do we tell my friend about Sly’s wandering eye? Or just drop it? Either way, I don’t want to hang out with him again.
– Not So Sly

Dear Not So Sly,
It is awkward to receive advances from another man, especially one that is supposed to be committed to your friend. You handled it well to put up a literal and physical shield with your boyfriends jacket. Hopefully Ol’ Sly got the point to keep his eyes off. You should tell your friend about Sly’s inappropriateness, but be prepared for the defense. Of course, it’s never easy to handle news that your mate is acting like a jerk and checking out another woman’s assets – especially your best friend. So, try to understand if she justifies his behavior at first. The truth is – she probably knows Sly isn’t “the one.” After all, he disrespected everyone there. So, be as sensitive and as firm as possible. Offer a kind regret that you will not be joining them on any more double dates and trust that your friend understands your position.

Dear Case,
I have been working for my company for more than 8 years and genuinely love what I do. Lately, my boss has been flirting with a co-worker. They take long lunches together, giggle and whisper in his office for hours and most importantly, he is showing her preferential treatment. He lets her leave early, come in late, and loaf around the office all day. He gives the time-consuming projects to me while sliding her mindless tasks that take only minutes. I have told my boss that I am overextended and feel like I am treated unfairly, but he placates me with promises of change and nothing changes. I really want to keep my job, but how do I get them to keep their personal life out of work?
– Can the Canoodling

Dear Can,
You must report this situation to HR. After attempts at a fair shake with the boss go unanswered, you have to take the matter up the chain. If that sounds like trouble and you aren’t prepared for the possibility that you will be fingered as the whistleblower, you can try to reason with the coworker. Perhaps the possibility of having an audience that is on to them could get them to knock it off, but there are no guarantees. Their unprofessional behavior seems to have no bounds and now it is affecting YOUR job. It’s not easy to stand up for yourself, but sometimes you cannot afford not to.

—

We all need advice from time to time as we struggle, question and wiggle at life’s twists and turns. From the trials of coupledom and parenthood, to life as an adult child, climbing the professional ladder and being a true sister, questions flurry. Every week, our advice contributor will help you work out those pressing issues with thoughtfulness and humor. Got a pressing situation for Case Studies? Please send your questions for publication to casey@webegirls.com. (Questions may be edited)

I’m so sick of hearing 40 is the new 30. 40 is 40. Twice as old as 20. Halfway to 80. There’s nothing new about 40. The only thing new is our obsession with age and our inability to take pride in being older and wiser than we were a decade ago. When did getting older become a bad thing? You age or you die. Personally, I’d rather age.

People tell me “you look great!” Like they’re surprised. Like someone my age (40!) should look a lot worse. I want to ask, relative to what? The old 40? When it was actually 40 and not 30? Or the new 40? Whatever that is.

Some of my friends have turned to Botox and fillers to try to fool the world they’ve stopped aging. I’ve got to be honest. I can’t tell the difference. I believe them that the vertical line between their eyes has miraculously disappeared, but I never noticed it before so to me you look the same (sorry!) I do notice if you overdo it. Because that makes you look vain, unhappy with yourself and – sorry! – old.

I do believe there are things we can do to feel vibrant and youthful that don’t involve needles or lasers. Here are five things that can make you feel youthful at any age:

1. Smile. Joy is a youthful quality. I honestly believe that people notice the light behind the eyes more than the tiny lines around them.

2. Don’t stay up late. It’s easier to smile if you get enough sleep.

3. Stand up straight. Good posture exudes youthful energy. Try Pilates or yoga. Just two classes a week has helped me stop slouching and flattened my stomach.

4. Buy a good bra. Not just one that supports you, one that makes you feel pretty, too.

5. Do a ten minute cardio blast every day. A natural flush in your cheeks makes you look active, vibrant and healthy. Even if you’re 40!

40 is 40 and will always be 40. Can we please stop seeing that as a bad thing? Calling ourselves “The new 30” is an insult to 40. At 40 I can do everything I did when I was 20 … I just don’t because I know better now.

Last night I opened to a few random pages of the book “The Game,” a guide for pick-up artists by Neil Strauss. According to many guys I know, this is a must read. Its black leather, red satin and gold writing cover alone speaks volumes as to what you will find inside. Here’s a disclaimer: I did not read the whole book. I opened to a few random pages. But what I did see needs to be addressed, and I would like to call women’s attention to it as a helpful tool.

I am going to discuss just one page I saw. It was a stick figure drawing of a woman, and pointing to each specific part of her body, there were “lines” of suggestion as to what a pick-up artist should say. Here is the gist of what some of them said (I am not quoting, just giving the general idea) — “Is that a wig? Oh well, it still looks kind of real.” “You don’t look like you work out, but that outfit hides it well.” “I don’t usually like acrylic nails but yours look ok.” The pick-up artist technique is to throw a cut, a jab, and then a sort of a redeeming comment. This follows the “game” rule that to get a hot babe, an “HB,” you have to cut her down. Make her feel bad about herself and insecure, so that when you come back with a semi-compliment, she’ll be relieved that even though she has bad hair or bad nails or is a bit overweight, a man still wants her. It also prompts her to try to MAKE him want her when he’s acting like he doesn’t. This is why this tactic will end up getting the girl to sleep with the guy–or so the theory goes.

I realized when I was reading this that I actually experienced something similar last year with an ex. I specifically dressed cute that day because I was looking forward to seeing him. I put on a shirt I thought was sexy and I blow dried my hair. When he saw me the first thing he did was look me up and down, take my shoulders and turn me around to see the back, and then said with an almost disgusted expression, “is that a new shirt?” “Yes, why?” I asked. “Um, yeah, no reason” he said with raised eyebrows. I felt like crap. And then, he looked at me with another disapproving look and said, “What’s up with your hair? Why’s it all, like, glamorous today?” I felt awful. I felt unattractive. I felt unwanted by him.

And that is why this tactic can work: At first, my initial reaction was to try to get his approval, to come on to him and make him want me, to prove to him that I was sexy even though he didn’t seem to think I was. After I breathed through it and checked myself, I realized that I don’t need his approval and that I am sexy regardless of what he says…that my worth is in no way based on him. So, in the end, his “game” backfired for him because it made me less attracted to him. I don’t want a man that cuts me a down and can’t compliment me!

Neil Strauss believes a woman who allows a man to make her feel cut down and unwanted will immediately do whatever it takes to MAKE him want her. Yet truly, ladies, if a man cuts you down, walk away! You don’t deserve to be treated that way. The next time it happens, just observe first what it brings up in you, be aware of what it’s doing to you and see if your initial response is to try to make him want you and prove to him that you ARE sexy. But then check yourself and remember that you are sexy and desirable just because you’re you, not because a man says you are…or aren’t.

Summer’s coming and you know what that means: vacation time! I’ve been on tons of vacations, some fun, some… not so fun. But the absolute worst moment of any trip is one that still haunts me to this day.

When I was seven, my family and I went on a road trip to visit some friends in Florida. Of course, they happened to live right next to an alligator-infested river. Yay! I was petrified. At first, the boat rides were fun (as long as you didn’t mind the stench of bug spray and kamikaze mosquitos) and we would go out in the evening to find alligators and manatees. We even saw a couple of dolphins!

Then, one day we decided to go out on the river again. This time it wasn’t to go on nature watch, but to ride in an inner tube pulled behind a boat. Normally, I would never sanction the idea of going within three feet of the river without adults that would either deter any alligator or at least get in the way and be eaten first (I was fine with either one). But, the people we were staying with promised me that they did it all the time, that there was nothing to be scared out of your mind about, and that the alligators usually only hunted at night. Usually.

I was not completely convinced, but was then reassured that they would go slow, there was a bottom to the inner tube, and they would try their hardest to make sure I didn’t fall out. Finally, I gave in and my sister and I got into the tube that would later haunt my nightmares. I was actually starting to have fun when we decided to get out. Georgia was in the front, so she left first. I was about to climb up after her when I heard the engine rev: they were ready to go. I started screaming: “No! Let me off! I want to get off!”, but no one could hear me.

As the tube began to lurch, I tumbled back to the bottom and held on tightly. I was still screaming, but they thought it was from ecstasy, not total and complete terror. At first, it was all right, but then they decided to drive over another boat’s wake. Again. And again. And again. Now, if you’ve ever gone over a boat’s wake, you’ll know how painful it is. With my sister helping me to weigh it down, we were heavy enough to keep from bouncing too much, but one seven-year-old wasn’t enough. One particularly bad wake sent me flying!

My mom swears I flew about a hundred feet! I have no idea; it all went too fast. About a minute after crash landing, I was still underwater, hanging to the bottom of the inner tube and trying not to panic. I kept expecting to see red eyes looking up at me and for great big jaws to close on me and drag me down through the watery depths. But no, I was still sitting there, staring through the green murk, looking for a bottom that never seemed to come. That was, until a movement in the water sent me rocketing back to reality and the surface.

“Help! Help!” I screamed. They were already heading toward the inner tube, so I swam my fastest over to the boat, trying not to touch anything and to beat whatever moved in the water. (It was probably just some reeds in the current, but to the terrified mind of a seven-year-old, it was an alligator, shark, Loch Ness Monster, and an aquatic boogeyman all rolled up into one.) I was so frenzied that I didn’t even wait for them to lower the rope; I climbed up the side of the boat and ran, crying and screaming, into my mother’s arms while the rest of them laughed.

That trip definitely scarred me for life, but it was quite an experience, only enhanced by my sister later trying country-fried alligator and then allowing it a second life in the restaurant toilet.

For many years after college I ended up at a couple of desk jobs that I really wasn’t happy at. For the most part I was just glad to get a job, and thereafter I felt like I was just coasting along in life, because I wasn’t happy in the job depeartment. I was receiving no fullfillment out of being someone’s administrative assistant or accounts representative. The pay was pretty good at a couple of these jobs, so maybe that’s why I stayed in them for such a long time, but I felt so stuck and about a year and half ago I decided to finally do sometihng about it.

There is no reason for you to think that you have to be stuck in a career or a job that you do not enjoy. I’m sure you are wondering if it is possible to make the change at this point in your career? (whether you just started sometihng new or you’ve been in a job a long time) I’m here to say…. You bet it is!, and here are my 7 steps to show you how:

1. Believe That You Can Have a Career You Love

This might sound like a silly statement, but many people disagree with me when I tell them that it is possible to enjoy their work. They tell me they tried once to do something different, and it did not work. So, they gave up. But I know deep down that they wish for something better. Stop wishing and start believing. This first step is enough to move you forward.

2. Stop Waiting For Your Dream Job to Be Handed to You

Have you ever looked around and been jealous of people who are in their dream jobs? (I have.) I spoke to a few and they all had one thing in common; they knew they were tired of being unhappy and decided to do something about it. They took responsibility for what was not working in their careers, and made a decision to change it. They knew that their dream job would not happen by accident, and they choose to pursue what they wanted. If they could do it, then so can you.

3. Decide What You Want

What do you want your next career to look like? Will it be in the same industry? Or, in different one? Will you have your own business? Or, will you be consulting so you have more time with your family and friends? (And yourself!) Right here is where most people stop dead in their tracks because they wonder how to make it work. Worry about paying bills come into their minds. Doubt about whether anyone will pay them if they switch industries, jobs, etc. circle around in their heads.

Yes, these are real concerns. But if you wait until every detail is figured out first, you will be doing what you are doing now for the rest of your life. Decide what you want, and put it on paper. You might be surprised to see that you have just created a pretty good outline for your future.

4. Research And Research More

Use this time to explore the possibilities you see for yourself. Spend time on the Internet, read books, magazines, etc. Act as if there are no obstacles and no way you can fail. Immerse yourself in the excitement of creating your future.

5. Tell Those Who Are Close To You

This is not so they can say I told you so if it does not work out. Telling them about your next career move will keep the idea fresh in your mind. It also becomes more real as you hear it a few times. Plus, you never know where your next great idea or suggestion will come from. Let the people in your life contribute to you as you have been doing for them your whole life. Let them know about the brand new you!

6. Create Attainable Goals

What are your immediate goals? Short term goals? Long-term goals? Creating this list will motivate you if you become overwhelmed. It will also give you perspective if you tell yourself that you should be doing more. By having your priorities and your plan in place, you can focus on the task at hand. Yes, other ideas may present themselves to you, but you can decide if they will further your goal, or deter you. Eliminate what will hold you back, and incorporate what will move your forward.

7. Set A Date

When will you be in your new career? Yes, there will be factors that determine when this actually happens, but giving yourself a specific date produces something to shoot for. For example, when you set a date for your vacation, you live into that future. You make plans and arrangements so you can get away. You visualize yourself having fun and the days leading up to your trip are filled with more fun. The same thing happens in your career. You say when you will have your new career, and you put the actions in place to make it happen. It’s powerful stuff but only if you use it.

So what do you say? You spend so much of your time working that you might as well do something that you love! I definitly have to say for me it’s been an uphill battle, and it’s still one but I’m doing what I love; which is writing! Give it a shot! You’ll be surprised by what can come of it..I know I am.

Feel free to email if you have any questions or comments at suttontms@gmail.com

Oven-Coddled Eggs with Mashed Potatoes and Herbs

The combination of mashed potatoes and eggs just makes my tummy happy. Plus the added benefit that the potatoes can be make ahead of time and stored overnight in the ramekins makes it perfect for any special brunch. Serve this with a light breakfast salad, or ripe tomatoes sprinked with a great finishing salt, some wonderful toasted or grilled bread with butter…and then of course mimosas (I like mine made with tangerine juice.) Mom will be thrilled.

6 servings

Ingredients
1/2 cup whole milk
1 bay leaf
14 ounces Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled, cut into 1-inch pieces
1/4 finely chopped shallots
2 tablespoons butter
1 teaspoon minced fresh rosemary
1 teaspoon minced fresh thyme
6 large eggs
6 tablespoons whipping cream
6 tablespoons freshly grated Parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives

Method
Butter six 3/4 cup ramekins. Bring milk and bay leaf to simmer in small saucepan. Remove from heat and let steep for 15 mintues. Discard bay leaf.

Meanshile, cook potatoes in medium saucepan of boiling salted water until tender, about 15 minutes. Drain. Place potatoes in a medium bowl. Add warm milk, shallots, butter, rosemary and thyme. Mash until smooth. Season to taste with salt and peppter. Divide potato mixture among ramekins. (Can be prepared 1 day ahead. Cofe and chill. Bring to room temperature before continuing.)

Preheat overn to 350° F. Carefully crack one egg over potatoes in each ramekin. Spoon 1 table of cream over each egg, sprinkle with 1 tablespoon Parmesan. Place remekins in a 13x9x2-inch metal baking pan. Pour enough hot water in the pans until it comes halfway up the sides of the ramekins. Bake until egg whites are gently set but yolks are still soft. About 17 minutes. Remove ramekins, sprinkle chives over and serve.

—

Chef Leslie McKenna has been a chef for over 25 years working at such prestigious restaurants as Maxwell’s Plum in New York with Mark Peel and Nancy Silverton as well as Piero Selvaggios’s Valentino’s Restaurant in Santa Monica, CA, where she was published in Bon Appetit and Wine Spectator magazines. Chef Leslie now owns Chef’s Inc. cooking school in LA. To find out more visit www.chefsinc.net.

If you love flowers and grew up in the Midwest or the Northeast at this time of year your thoughts are likely turning to lilacs. I grew up in Connecticut, and one whiff of a lilac blossom will immediately transport me nostalgically back to the springs of my childhood. I say nostalgically because lilacs do not grow everywhere and for many of us, particularly those of us who have moved around a bit, they are very evocative of a particular time and place.

Lilacs are part of the olive family and are native to Eastern Europe and Asia. The colonists brought them to America. They are often planted in groups to form hedges, and the clusters of blossoms come in white and various shades of lavender, purple, violet, blue or pink, set off by beautiful green leaves. Because most varieties of lilacs require a period of dormancy to bloom, the plants only grow successfully in colder climates.

Lilacs are very aromatic, with an extremely lush yet fresh scent. While a vase full of lilacs can easily fill a room with their fragrance, I think of the smell as a watery, almost clean floral, not a heady one. They really do evoke a fresh spring garden after a rain shower. Unfortunately, I have found the lilac scent very difficult to capture in the perfume world. Like lavender, lilac scents can often smell like air freshener, soap or cleaning products—an artificial scent with none of the fresh, subtle beauty of the real flowers. But inspired by a visit to my favorite florist, which is well-stocked this time of year with fresh lilacs, and loving nothing more than a “perfume quest,” I decided to search again.

I began my search at the Scent Bar in Los Angeles, which has a wonderful assortment of hard-to-find and niche scents. The staff has an encyclopedic knowledge of perfume, and I knew they would be able to tell me who makes lilac scents, and which were worth trying. They told me they thought there were only four really nice ones: En Passant by Editions de Parfums Frédéric Malle, Jo Malone’s White Lilac & Rhubarb, Phaedon Rue des Lilas, and Persica from the Los Angeles boutique perfumery Strange Invisible Perfumes.

I started with Phaedon Rue des Lilas, since they sell the fragrance at Scent Bar and its companion website LuckyScent.com. Phaedon is a French niche line that debuted in late 2011 with six fragrances. The line was named for the Greek philosopher Phaedo of Elis. According to Lucky Scent, the line’s owners and founders do not want disclose their names or those of the perfumer makers in order to keep the focus on the scents themselves. Reportedly two of them were created by perfumer Pierre Guillaume, whose company produces the scents for Phaedon.

Rue des Lilas is the name of an actual street in Paris, and the scent is very fresh and powdery, with notes of white lilac, lily of the valley, and white musk. It smells like spring, but I did not find it particularly “lilacy.” I was undecided, so took home a sample. The next day I got compliments everywhere I went, so I may need to splurge.

The lilac really does come through in Jo Malone’s White Lilac & Rhubarb, which is part of the line’s special London Blooms collection created by perfumer Christine Nagel, and inspired by English gardens. In addition to lilac, the scent is comprised of violet leaves, rhubarb, white lilac, rose, amber, musk, and heliotrope. I never really thought of rhubarb as fragrant, but when I read this description, the rhubarb made sense: “A daring juxtaposition. Tart-vibrant rhubarb cuts through the soft lilac, rose and sun-loving heliotrope.” The fragrance really did remind me of an English garden with lilac bushes, and because the lilac is blended effectively with other scents, it smelled sophisticated, and not like air freshener. I decided to add a bottle to my collection, especially because I am worried it could disappear at some point like many other limited edition scents. You can find the Jo Malone London Blooms collection online at the Jo Malone website, as well as at major department stores and online retail sites including Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom, Bergdorf Goodman, Bloomingdales, and Saks.

My next stop was the Strange Invisible Perfumes boutique in the Venice section of L.A. The shop is on a trendy street lined with small boutiques, coffee bars and restaurants, which made for a nice Saturday morning stroll. Strange Invisible Perfumes was founded by Alexandra Balahoutis, who describes herself as a “botanical perfumer,” which the company’s website describes as “the art of blending plant, flower, seed, wood, and resin essences into beautiful aromatic compositions … synthetic aromas and animal essences are never used.” There are more than 20 fragrances, all of them made with certified organic, hydro-distilled essences, and designed, hand blended, and bottled in Venice. The line is available at select boutiques around the country and on the Strange Invisible Perfumes website.

The lilac scent I was looking for was called Persica, and is a blend of Madagascan vanilla, cardamom, ylang ylang and Persian lilacs, which are native to Iran. As with the Phaedon scent, I liked Persica, but I did not really get lilac from it. The spicy notes of vanilla and cardamom came through much more strongly.

Of the four scents recommended by the folks at Scent Bar, my favorite by far is Frédéric Malle’s En Passant. The description on the Editions de Parfums Frédéric Malle website describes it perfectly, “Pause at the edge of a garden in springtime and breathe in fragrant lilac whipped by the wind and you get… En Passant. Olivia Giacobetti’s “impressionistic” fragrance plays with one simple note: white lilac, captured in an instant of time. The composition glorifies this scent from nature and marries it to watery notes, orange tree leaves, cucumber and wheat. It is radiant and serene.” I didn’t really smell the wheat, but the water and cucumber seemed like perfect additions to the lilac—together they evoke the fresh watery scent of lilacs in a flower shop. It has become one of my springtime favorites, and comes closest to the lilacs I was looking for, the lilacs of my childhood that are also beautifully captured in the poem “Lilacs” by Amy Lowell:

“Lilacs,
False blue,
White,
Purple,
Color of lilac,
Your great puffs of flowers
Are everywhere in this my New England …
… Maine knows you,
Has for years and years;
New Hampshire knows you,
And Massachusetts
And Vermont.
Cape Cod starts you along the beaches to Rhode Island;
Connecticut takes you from a river to the sea.
You are brighter than apples,
Sweeter than tulips,
You are the great flood of our souls
Bursting above the leaf-shapes of our hearts,
You are the smell of all Summers,
The love of wives and children,
The recollection of gardens of little children,
You are State Houses and Charters
And the familiar treading of the foot to and fro on a road it knows.
May is lilac here in New England . . .”

Dear John,
My fiancée is a vegetarian, and I and my family are all meat eaters. He’s the one and it’s time to introduce him to my family full of carnivores–how do I ensure it goes smoothly? He’s not eating meat, and I’m not sure they can even understand the concept of vegetarians, let alone be willing to cook for one. How do I make the dinner with the folks go well?
– Cook or Die

Dear COD,
You either get takeout or you just go to a restaurant where they serve enough different options that everyone can get what they want and be happy. After they meet him and like him, then you can tell them he doesn’t eat meat. That may be a shock to them, though it shouldn’t be and you don’t want the first meeting to be any more challenging or nerve racking that it already is. If the first meeting is at their home and mom is preparing to cook then you may not be able to get around the issue. Suggest that you do the cooking or if mom insists, you have to bring up your boyfriend’s dietary restriction beforehand. Hopefully they can plan a menu such as pasta or hamburgers where you can just add veggie burgers to the mix.

Do be prepared eventually for other questions, such as how you will raise your children (and you thought religion was a tough one.) Your parents may want to know will your kids eat meat or not. Do you even know the answer to that question yourself?

At the end of the day though, all your parents want to see is that you are with a man who loves you and can be a good partner to you. If he checks out in those departments they’ll be thrilled, and what he does or doesn’t eat shouldn’t come into question.

Dear John,
My husband and I are having a baby boy! He’s due in a few weeks. Currently we are arguing over something we can’t seem to really change. He’s Christian, and I’m Jewish and we’re not agreeing over which faith the kid should be raised it. We’re both pretty set in our respective positions and what’s worse is that our families are piling pressure up on both of us to “win.” I’m tired of this, I’m sure my husband is. How do we settle this?
– Line Is Drawn

Dear LID,
It’s odd that this important question didn’t come up before you two were married. Just out of curiosity, how did you handle the wedding ceremony? Was it a combination of both faiths? If so, that might be a good jumping off point. The easiest way is to raise him in both faiths and celebrate everything. Sure this will probably confuse the hell out of him, but isn’t religion confusing in general? And a day will come when he will decide many things for himself, religious faith being one of them regardless of what you tried to “instill” in him.

If you and your husband can’t come to a decision on your own, maybe this is something that you both can go to a member of your clergy for a solution. I’m sure they’ve dealt with this issue before. And then when you both come to that decision, you need to be a united front with your families. Let both of your parents know that you appreciate where they are coming from, but this is your decision as a couple and you are happy with the decision. You can’t put this off much longer…you either have a bris or a baptism to plan. And the grandparents will love their grandchildren no matter what religion they are raised in.