This title of this article is a cruel, demonic word. Yes, it is a real word, and it is used to torture innocent children and drive them to madness. No, it’s a Greek word meaning to measure the elements, what did you think it was? Okay, that doesn’t exactly sound like the torturing of young innocents, but that’s exactly what they want you to think! And who exactly are the ambiguous ‘they’, you might ask, while wondering if there’s an escaped mental patient by my description. ‘They’ are the most evil, inhuman monsters imaginable. You’ve probably already come face to face with a dozen of ‘them,’ but been too petrified with fear to scream, let alone run away. ‘They’ are the monsters that little Dracula and the sewer kids imagine under their beds. ‘They’ are the ones who gave Godzilla and Mothra detention for fighting. Yes, ‘they’ are high school teachers. Not that all are evil, heartless monsters, just nine out of ten.
Throughout history they have used various ways of destroying the lives of young people, but now they’ve finally found the most efficient method: stuffing our heads with useless information that we will never need in our entire lives. As I’m sure older readers have found out, you will never, ever, ever in a million years, use ninety percent of the junk you learned in high school. You will especially never use the practically useless science which is stoichiometry unless you become a chemist (when it will be an extremely useful thing that you will use every five seconds). But I, like many of you, am not planning on becoming a chemist unless I receive a severe blow to the head that changes absolutely everything about me. I really hope that doesn’t happen for a number of reasons, so the reason I’ve been forced to do “stoichiometry” worksheets and take “stoichiometry” tests for the past two weeks evades me.
And “stoichiometry” is just the tip of the iceberg. In all of our classes, particularly math and science, teachers are stuffing our head with information that we will use for a week and then never again until our final exam. Then, the information and a week of your life are wasted along with all the other random information that we’re expected to know with the full knowledge that we will never have a practical opportunity to use it. I’m a true believer in the value of knowledge, but have any of you ever used trigonometry outside of school? (If you are a mathematician or architect, please abstain from answering.)
The point of elementary, middle, and high school is to receive a generalized education of necessary life skills before you choose a specific field in college. That is when all you science types should learn all those useless things that we artsy people are being forced to learn and fail. At least we get revenge in art and English. That’s when we are the ones laughing as you flounder and write vile essays or struggle to draw a daisy. And that is why I truly think it would be beneficial for those of us interested in different things to not be forced to learn useless information that just takes up space in our brains, wastes our time, brings down our grades, and gives us ulcers.
So, thank you, my chemistry teacher and all math and science teachers that came before you or will come after you. Thank you for all my migraines, late nights, wasted weekends, low test grades, low self-esteem, and that lovely gray streak that I’m eagerly awaiting. I would also like to sincerely thank all those sadistic, lonely jerks who came up with physics and stoichiometry in their parents’ basements while watching the Discovery channel, building their model molecules, and wondering why they don’t have any friends. Thank you so much!